Breakdown 2-22-24
{{ Friday, September 29
Metairie, LA
Avenues Recovery }}
A few days removed from the day Amy found herself with no choice but to fire Simon Lyman from BlackOut Academy, she and Wyatt are at Avenues for their weekly joint session with Dr. Patrick Donnelly. As promised, Wyatt had been attending every week, other than one or two where he couldn't reschedule a gym client. Most of the topics discussed with him so far have been centered on Amy and her alcoholism. How he's helped in the past, how he may have caused problems unintentionally, and the big topic these days – trust. Amy has something to say about that today, after she'd caught Wyatt red-handed going through her desk at work, looking for alcohol that just isn't there. Wyatt knows she intends to bring it up, and they both expect the session today to be a rough one. Neither had any idea just how deep they were about to dig, though.
“Good afternoon, guys. Good to see you again.”
“I'd say the same, except I'm not sure I'm looking forward to today.”
“I think I agree with her.”
Patrick nods, looking over the notes on his tablet. “I understand that. Amy told me a few days ago she had something she wanted to speak about today, with you here.” Patrick nods towards Wyatt. “Are you aware of that?”
“I am. I know what it is.”
“Alright. I see no reason not to jump right into it. Amy?”
“Okay. So, Monday was a big day for us. Two major things happened, and we've agreed we should talk about them both with you. Firstly... my concern.” Amy glances at Wyatt, before speaking. He seems apprehensive. “Well, first I should tell you that I'd been keeping something from you. For the last few weeks, I've noticed, or at least suspected, that Wyatt had been going through my things at home. My office, dresser drawers. Looking for liquor.” Patrick's eyes widen as he glances at Wyatt. Wyatt still studies the floor. “I'd notice things moved around, not now I left them. I didn't say anything about it because I felt like... maybe I deserved that, you know? I did used to hide things. He knew that. Over time though, I saw it in more and more places. First it was just my home office. Then the bedroom. Then the kitchen. But then Monday....” Amy pauses and glances at Wyatt once more. He's now sitting up but looking to the side, out the window. “Monday, I got to my office at BlackOut, and I found him going through my work desk.”
“I see. And how did you react to that?”
“Well, I... basically lost it. It was too much. I've never taken anything to work. It was the one line I didn't cross. Fucking myself up didn't phase me, but I wasn't ever going to put my students at risk, you know?” Patrick nods, prompting her to continue. “So, I yelled. I called him out it all. Things being clearly rifled through, and other things, too, that made me feel... too watched.”
“In what way? Overprotected, overexposed, what?”
“Over controlled.”
Patrick nods again. “There's that word again. What kinds of other things?”
Glancing at Wyatt yet again, Amy sees that he's at least looking at the doctor. Maybe to see his reaction to this. “Rearranging his schedule to match mine, so we'd be at work and home at the same time. I was rarely alone unless I was driving, or in the bathroom. It was like... he had no trust in me at all, and every move I made was being scrutinized to make sure I 'stayed in line.' And that just... felt too much like the past.”
“When you say past, you're referring to your first husband, yes?”
“Yes. His abuse didn't start physically. It started with controlling my every move.”
Amy sits back and crosses her arms. It's very uncomfortable saying this with Wyatt right there next to her, despite the fact they'd already spoken about it. Amy though felt like this was a deeper issue that needed to be delved into by a professional. Patrick makes more notes, then looks up.
“Do you have anything to add to that?” Amy shakes her head no. “Okay. Wyatt.” Wyatt looks back up at the doctor, he'd been looking down again.
“Yes.”
“I'm going to assume that your intention was not to be controlling, am I correct?”
“Absolutely not.”
“What was it?”
“To watch out for her, make sure she was healthy.”
“Amy said she feels like you had no trust for her, is that accurate?”
Wyatt sighs, closing his eyes for a moment. “To a degree.”
“Please elaborate.” Patrick puts the tablet aside and leans a little, giving this his complete attention.
“It's not that I don't trust her intentions. I know she's committed to staying sober. But I also know, and have seen firsthand, that it doesn't matter how committed someone is to that... mistakes happen. It's happened several times in the past, and... It wasn't so much that I thought she would intentionally give up. I was just worried that no matter how hard she tried or how much she wanted to stop... something else would cause another break.”
“So your searching and constant watching was born out of concern and fear, rather than just blind mistrust?”
“That's right.”
Wyatt looks towards Amy, and they meet eyes. He hadn't told her that the day things went down.
“Why didn't you just say that? That you were afraid?”
“I don't know.”
“There has to be a reason,” Patrick offers.
“It's not something I think I can articulate.”
“Would you like my thoughts?”
“Please.”
“Perhaps you felt that if Amy knew your fear, she would feel like you didn't have faith in her ability to stay clean. That she isn't strong enough.” Amy scoffs. Patrick turns to her. “What?”
“I feel that way anyway.”
“Why?”
“Because every morning I wake up in my bed alone, and I don't know if that's gonna change.”
Silence hangs over the room for a solid minute. Amy wonders if Patrick is waiting for Wyatt to speak, or Wyatt is waiting for Patrick, or what. Just as she's about to ask what's next, Wyatt breaks the silence.
“I don't know, either.”
Amy sighs hard, turning her head away. How can he not know? This situation was his doing, he had those fucking papers drawn up! But, she says nothing.
“Okay. Let's back up a bit. Wyatt, did what I said make sense to you?”
“Might be it.”
“Okay. Can you clarify for me, and Amy, if that's true? Do you or do you not have that faith?”
“Yes, I do. Doesn't stop me from being worried I'm wrong.”
“One more question on this topic, then I'd like to leave this with you to sit with until next week. Wyatt, do you trust Amy?”
“Yes.”
“You told me Monday that you didn't.”
“I trust you. I don't trust addiction.”
“Okay. That's valid.” Amy often questioned herself, too.
“And Amy. Do you trust Wyatt?”
“With everything. That's why feeling controlled upset me so much. I never thought he would go there.”
“I didn't mean to.”
“I know.”
Patrick lets that hang in the air a moment, catching up his tablet notes.
Done, Patrick looks up.
“Okay. Sit with that until next week. Good?” Amy and Wyatt both nod. “Alright. Now Amy, you said there was something else you'd like to talk about.”
“Yes. And I think it's actually a big step forward.”
“What happened?”
“Monday... almost immediately after the talk in my office... I fired Simon.”
Patrick is noticeably shocked. “You did? What made you take that action?”
Amy explains how Simon arrived at BOA in no condition to work. Hit her car, argued with Wyatt, became belligerent when she tried to offer him time off, and she then discovered why when she smelled whiskey on him.
“He did the one thing I never allowed myself to do. Try to work while drunk.”
“I can see why you made the decision on the spot. How did you feel after?”
“Like I could breathe. He finally gave me a reason to do it.”
“Wyatt? Your reaction?”
“First one? Proud of her. And I told her that.”
“Secondly?”
“Secondly.... a little fear went away.”
“Fear of what?”
Amy eyes Wyatt curiously. “That there may have been some... underlying reason, why she didn't want to do it. Like she wanted to keep him close.” Amy pulls a face, but says nothing. “Irrational, I know, but...” Wyatt shrugs. Patrick turns to Amy, expecting a comment.
“I suspected maybe you thought that. But absolutely not.” Wyatt just nods. “The important part is that he's gone. Right?”
“Yeah, it is.”
Patrick makes more notes, then puts the tablet aside. He's about to get serious.
“Okay. It seems like you've come to an agreement or resolution about Simon, now that hes out of your lives. Let's explore how he became part of this in the first place.”
Amy knows Patrick already knows how this happened; she told him weeks ago. But it's never been discussed with Wyatt present.
“That's probably my fault.”
“Fault? Or just the cause? Those are two different things.”
“Fault. I absolutely blame myself. I opened that door.”
“How?”
“Hasn't Amy told you this?”
“Yes, but I want to hear your perspective.”
“Okay.... one of her friends, Bonnie, and I... we got together. I told Amy after the fact. As per our agreement, that meant needing to ask consent to continue. When I did so, Amy offered a deal. She'd allow it, if I removed a restriction I'd put in place a few years ago.”
“Simon, right?”
“Yes. The first time, it caused some issues, mainly Amy forgetting every rule we'd agreed on.”
Patrick eyes Amy; she gets his meaning. Weeks ago they'd discussed how part of her addiction, at least in sexual terms, was having something that was forbidden.
“And obviously, you agreed.”
“Yes. I had a feeling it was a bad idea, as he'd been a problem before, but...” Wyatt shrugs.
“Why did you agree if you knew he caused problems?”
“I suppose-”
“No supposing.”
Wyatt sighs. “Okay. I felt like I owed her, since Bonnie and I had already done it. I knew that even though we'd dropped the 'ask first' rule in general, I should have asked first just because of who it was, and I didn't.”
“Okay. Now Amy. What would your response have been if Wyatt had said no to your deal offer?”
“To be quite honest... I expected him to say no. I knew he didn't like the idea of me and Simon at all. So... I thought he'd say no, and give me an excuse to veto Bonnie.” Wyatt stares at Amy. He'd had no idea that was her ploy. “Except he agreed. I had to agree, too, even though I was very uncomfortable with the idea.”
“So, let's put a spotlight on this. You both agreed to something you really didn't want to allow, because you felt you owed it to the other?” Wyatt nods. Amy shrugs.
“I don't think I'd say I owed it... just that I made the offer and I couldn't walk it back.”
“Okay. Wyatt? Was it just that you felt you owed Amy, or was there something else that got you to agree to something you'd been so adamantly against before?”
Wyatt gives Amy a look, then sighs. “I... wanted to keep seeing Bonnie, and felt it was worth the risk.”
“Okay, thank you for that honesty. Now, here is where your enabling comes into play. Not on purpose, of course. But you agreed. As you said, opened the door.”
“Right. So, my fault.”
“In a way, yes. In pursuit of your own desire, you handed her one of her addictions.”
Wyatt frowns. “I don't know if I'd go that far. I just let someone who was a problem before back into our sphere.”
“The addiction is what makes him a problem. Taking responsibility is often the first step in reconciling. Amy has taken responsibility for her mistakes, intentional or otherwise. For there to be any progression here, you need to do the same.”
“Didn't I start this off by saying I blamed myself?!” Wyatt glares a moment, then makes himself calm down. “Sorry, I just-”
“No, it's okay. This is good. I can see you've accepted some responsibility. I just need you to go the rest of the way. No one is saying you did it intentionally. But it was the result.” Wyatt nods, reluctantly.
Patrick turns to Amy. “Now, I have a question for you, that might seem irrelevant, but it's not.” Amy nods, waiting. “Do you love Simon?”
Wyatt looks at Amy, curious. He'd once asked her the same thing, then stopped her from answering; he didn't want to know. Right now he does though. Amy hesitates, choosing her words carefully.
“I thought I did. And maybe so, in a friend, platonic way, before any of this happened. But... now? I think it was what we've discussed. The addiction being drawn to things that are off-limits. He was the most off-limits of them all, and maybe wanting what I was told I couldn't have tricked my head into thinking it was love.”
“So, in short, your answer is no?”
“I don't think so, no.” Amy scoffs at herself and this realization. “So all of this was for nothing. I fucked up everything, for nothing.”
“I wouldn't say that.”
Both Amy and Patrick look at Wyatt, surprised. “Why?”
“You didn't know that at the time. I didn't know, either. If I'd have known things were gonna end up like this, I'd have said no. I'd have not even asked about Bonnie... hell, I would have never suggested making this whole arrangement in the first place. I am responsible for that. I never wanted to risk our entire relationship. I thought it would help us, not feed an addiction.”
“I never wanted to risk us, either. You're the most important thing in my life, you always have been. We could have found another way.” To keep her from messing around, she means. Wyatt nods, he gets her.
“We could have. Maybe you'd have stayed sober back then.”
“Maybe.” She'd have never hooked up with Jason, for starters. Or Simon. Two of the triggers that sent her spiraling this time. Both Amy and Wyatt seem to have forgotten Patrick is in the room, until he speaks.
“This is good. You sound more on the same page than you have since we started.”
Amy nods, trying to keep from tearing up. For her, its the first time in weeks that she feels like Wyatt still wants anything to do with her at all. She had no idea he regretted ever starting the open relationship. And just then, she realizes that she does, too. Something that was intended to help by removing the guilt from her tendency of messing around, had only created a rift nearly too big to overcome. Wyatt said he'd have never risked it. Amy interprets that as he doesn't want to lose her. So she still has a chance to save it.
“Okay. Let's stop here for this week. We've gone over a lot, and you'll have to sort through it. What I'd like for you to do, is set aside some time to spend together, just you two. Continue the conversations started here. Now that things have been put into the open, you shouldn't need me to facilitate.”
Amy makes a face. “What, like a date?”
“If you want to call it that. The point though, is to focus on the last thing you both said here today. Neither of you wanted to risk your relationship. Start there, and try to reconnect as a couple. You have a solid foundation, you just have to clear away the rubble. Then rebuild with the good, sturdy pieces you have left. Create new pieces to fill the gaps. It's a process, you won't do it in one night, one quote-unquote 'date.' But I'd like you to start.”
“I can do that.” Wyatt replies to Patrick but keeps his eyes on Amy as he does.
“Yeah. We can do that.” Amy grins the slightest bit.
“Keep in mind though that I'm referring to emotionally... not physically, just yet.” Both nod. Neither had thought of trying to go that far at this point anyway. The ground was still too unstable to even consider it. “Agreed?”
“Yes.”
“Yeah, agreed.”
“Great. Any questions before we call it a day?”
“None.”
“No.”
Amy and Wyatt leave the office; Amy with a fresh prescription for her naltrexone, and Wyatt with an understanding he hadn't seen before – he'd been so focused on Amy getting his trust back, but he had to earn hers back, too.
February 22
Vancouver
---------------
This entry will be short and sweet, Dear Readers. It's not that I don't have a lot to say, its that what I need to say is for Kirsten Scott, not Polly. Kirsten has thoughts about my methods and suspicions about my motivations, and at Retribution I am going to face up to these accusations and take her challenge.
But this week, I'm stepping into the ring with Polly. Polly is a woman on a mission, and I understand that. She got the short end last time she faced Deanna Frost and believes – and I agree – that she deserves another chance. So I can absolutely see this match from Polly's point of view. Here comes this Hall of Fame veteran. Barely wrestles on TV, has pay per view matches, but isn't really doing much otherwise. And she asked for a match to give Kirsten Scott something to think about. Now Polly may be looking at me, wide eyed and indignant, not wanting to be nothing more than someone's example.
Polly. I'm not coming out there to make an example out of you. That's not how I operate. I asked for a match because some people think I don't wrestle enough, and I was booked to face you. That's the beginning and end of it. I think you're a hell of a wrestler and on any given night could beat anyone put in front of you. Including yours truly. So, what I'm coming out there to do... is simply wrestle you. Give everything I have, as I always do, and hope it's enough to get the victory.
I understand that a win for you at Breakdown will probably mean more than a win for me would. You're going into a United States Championship match against a woman who's had a grip on it since Rise to Greatness. Everyone, especially me, understands that you need all the momentum and confidence behind you that you can get. On any other night... I would be rooting for you.
Me? I'm looking at facing off with The One Kirsten Scott, because she has her panties in a twist over me getting involved in something I am uniquely experienced in dealing with. A win for me would just shut her up, make her eat her words about me not being up to the challenge since I don't work Breakdown every week. There's nothing on the line, except maybe pride. Bragging rights. A moral victory, at most. That doesn't look like much on the surface, but to me, it's just as important as any championship match. To me, it's what sets those of us who want everyone to succeed apart from those who are only looking out for themselves.
In that way, Polly, this match is very important to me, despite it not looking that way on paper. I've never been one to care much about what dirt sheets or opinion columnists write about me and my work. They aren't in my head, they don't know why I do what I do, what my motivations are.
I'm telling you, though, Polly, because I don't want there to be any misunderstandings or animosity between us. I respect you too much for that. You've been through a lot, you've come out on the other side swinging and one step away from being a champion. I'm not trying to hinder you from that at all. I hope you do become United States Champion. I think you deserve it.
You want my motivations, why I asked for a match? It's simple.
I'm a wrestler, I will always be a wrestler, it's in my blood. And I wanted to wrestle. Maybe Kirsten had a point there... I should do more of it.
So Polly, when we meet between the ropes and the bell rings, let's simply do what we both do best. Wrestle. And may the better woman be victorious.
Be Brave,
~Amy Chastaine