Fatal Fortunes 2023 #1
{{ Friday, August 18
Metairie, LA
Avenues Recovery }}
“Today, I'd like to work on an issue we uncovered during your inpatient stay, and dig a little deeper into that, what do you think?”
Amy sits in the familiar chair in Patrick's office, just the two of them. Wyatt's next session with them was next week.
“That depends on the topic.”
“Control.”
Amy sighs, lowering her head for a moment. When she looks back up, Patrick's expression remains the same. “Couldn't start me off easy, could you?”
“What good would that do you?”
“Fair. Alright. Control.”
Patrick looks at the notes on his e-tablet, then puts it aside for now. “Alright. We recognized as one of your drinking triggers as situations in which you feel things happening are out of your control.”
“Right. It gets overwhelming if I can't do anything about it. So, all I can do is make the emotions go away.”
“Except they're not really going away, they're just being numbed for the moment.”
“And it comes back, and I have to numb it again, and again, and... you get the idea.”
“Its the basis of most addiction. To numb a feeling you don't like. Your feeling you don't like is helplessness. Accurate?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay Do you remember I asked you to write in your journal about why that is, or where you think that comes from?”
Amy produces the journal – a small notebook – from her tote. “Yes, and I have it here. I'll be honest and tell you that I didn't have to think very hard about it.” Amy flips open the notebook, finds the right page, then hands it to Patrick to read. It's short, and he reads it aloud.
“Why do I have control issues? Blane. He controlled me. With him gone I took control back, so when it's taken again I can't deal with it.” Patrick nods, and hands the book back to Amy. “That's very insightful, which I'm not surprised by. I know you've dealt with the after effects of his abuse for a long time.”
“Twenty years.. I don't think it'll ever completely go away.”
“It usually doesn't.” Amy nods, she's aware. She's lived it and seen it working with the shelter. She keeps that to herself though. “Lets dig a little deeper into that, though. Because I think this plays a part in both of your addictions.”
Amy frowns. “You think this control thing has something to do with the sexual issues?”
“Absolutely. Would you like to try to figure out why, or would you like me to tell you my thoughts?”
“Well... let me see a minute...” Amy takes a deep breath, and considers. She tries to recall everything they spoke about in her inpatient sessions. How Blane treated her. Some of his worst moments. How Wyatt and Heath tried to help her. How Wyatt ended up being the one that finally convinced her she could do something about it-- wait. That was it. Wyatt.
“I think I know... The first time Wyatt and I slept together. Well, as adults.” The once or twice as teenagers didn't count here. “I was still married to Blane. I'd gone to see Wyatt after one of our fights. We talked... and ended up in bed. It was the first time in years that I felt anything other than... annoyance at best, disgust at worst, or usually just disassociation, during sex.”
Patrick nods, recalling the first time they'd discussed this. “And why was that?”
“He wouldn't let me zone out. He asked if I trusted him, then... made everything feel extra, so I had to stay in the moment.”
“Okay. Lets take a closer look. There's a big control dynamic there, the difference between your experiences with Blane as compared to Wyatt. Would you agree?”
“Absolutely. Blane rarely gave me any choice at all.” Patrick raises his brow. “Not like that. There were a few times he forced me, but what I mean is... I'd agree, or even initiate. But once it got going, it was his way and nothing else. And his way... was not good. He only cared long enough to... satisfy himself, and then it was over.”
“And in comparison...?”
“In comparison, Wyatt asked me at every point if it was okay, if I liked it, if I wanted more or something different.”
“Everything was up to you. You had-”
“Control. Yeah. And the fact that he asked me first... made me feel comfortable giving more control to him.”
“You mean intensity, strength.”
“Right. It was having the choice that made allowing him to be more... rough, acceptable.”
“There you go. While it may have seemed he was controlling you by the actions, you actually held the power, in that he asked and you allowed it.” Amy nods. “Bringing that into current times, the arrangement you and Wyatt had. The openness. Part of your rules was, ask first. Right?”
“Yes. In fact that was the first rule. And it went both ways.”
“Okay. Backing up a bit, what was the reasoning for Wyatt suggesting this to you in the first place?”
“Well... over the years, I seemed to have this... proclivity, of messing around.”
“Cheating?”
“I was trying to avoid that word, but... yes. So, he thought that by making an agreement, I could get whatever I was looking for in that, without lying to him.”
“He wanted you to be able to do what you wanted without guilt. So you had full control over your actions, but with permission. With me so far?” Amy nods. “Okay. Now let's go back to that first time with Wyatt when you were still married. You did not have permission to do that. That was, in fact, blatant cheating. Yes?”
“Yes.”
“So... taking all of that into account, would it be safe to say that perhaps your proclivity to mess around, stemmed from the way you felt that first time, when you did what you wanted for yourself, took your control back, when it was meant to be forbidden?”
“I'd have to think about that.”
“You do understand the theory, though?”
“Yeah, that it's like... recreating the thrill?”
Patrick nods. “Exactly. Does anything you've done fit that?”
Amy sits back and thinks. She'd certainly been with a lot of men that most people thought she shouldn't have, going as far back as her second husband Dustin Diablo. There was the man she'd cheated on Wyatt with that she did her best to forget about, David. Then Jason... he may have been allowed by she and Wyatt's agreement, but he was 'forbidden' by the public because he was seen as a bad guy on TV. And then there was Simon, who had been forbidden on several levels. He was her sponsor, he was still married the first time they slept together, Wyatt actually vetoed it... shit.
“Yeah... yeah, I think a lot of things, and people, fit that.”
Patrick started nodding as Amy spoke. “That was my thinking as well, based on everything we've spoken about. Having permission wasn't enough for you to feel in control. You had to also break a rule.”
Shaking her head, Amy scribbles a note in her journal. “I would have never made that connection.”
“It goes further, into your drinking. When you feel out of control, yes the alcohol is there to numb the emotions. But it's also forbidden.”
“Holy shit...” Amy scribbles some more. “That makes so much sense, but I never saw it that way.”
Patrick just nods, and Amy appreciates the silence giving her time to process the clarity that just hit her in the psyche. A minute or so passes, and Patrick breaks the silence.
“With this new perspective in mind, there's something I'd like you to work on in the next few weeks.”
“Okay.”
“I want you to get comfortable with giving up control.”
“What?”
“Does that suggestion make you nervous?” Amy can just nod. Give up control? Willingly? “Okay, good. Sit with that. Ask yourself why. What's the worst that could happen. Remind yourself that no one can control everything, all the time. Try to see it in a positive way. If you're not responsible for everything, then you can't be to blame when things go badly. Does this make sense?”
“I can answer why.”
“Why?”
“Because... if I'm not in control, then someone else is controlling me. And... and I can't have that.”
“Because of your ex.” Amy nods. “Now we're getting somewhere.”
“You want me to do something I can't do and you think that's progress?” Amy asks incredulously.
“I think you can. I'm going to give you some things to think about that will help.” Amy just stares, skeptical that anything Patrick could say would change her mind on this. “Firstly, control isn't a black or white dichotomy. If you aren't in control of a situation, it doesn't automatically mean you are being controlled by someone.”
“How? Someone has to be in control.”
“Yes, but that doesn't mean they're controlling you. They could be controlling themselves, or a situation, or another person. And those actions indirectly affect you.”
“Hmm.” Amy realizes this is a possibility, especially in wrestling. Ripple effects of wins, losses, title matches, affect everyone in some way.
“There's also the possibility that you only think you're not in control, when in fact, the opportunity for you to be is there, and you just need to realize it and step up.”
Amy leans forward a little. “That's not a hypothetical, is it?”
“No, it's not. I'm talking about your husband.” Amy frowns. “You think he's controlling you because he's holding divorce papers over your head. But everything is actually in your hands. You control your actions that will earn his trust back.”
“But... I don't get to decide if those papers are filed. That's his decision.” Amy's voice is low.
“It is. And that's what you need to sit with. You control yourself. You can't control someone else's actions or choices. You could complete all your sessions with me, maintain sobriety, do everything right... and in the end he could still make the choice to leave. I'm not saying that to scare you, or to insinuate that I think that's what will happen. It's just a fact. We don't know how this will end. What we're working towards here, is getting you to accept that there will always be things you have no control over, but that doesn't have to control you. Do you follow?”
If Patrick wasn't trying to scare her, he was doing a really shitty job of it.
“I'm sorry, that sounds contradictory. If everything is in my hands, by me doing everything right to gain his trust back, how am I controlling the situation if he's the decision maker?”
“We're not talking about you controlling the situation, we're talking about who or what is in control of you. Wyatt isn't. The alcohol isn't. You are. Do you see the difference?”
That made more sense. It didn't help her anxiety about her marriage, though. The thought was constant in the back of her mind – what if everything she's doing isn't enough? What if nothing can fix the damage she did? That's not acceptable.
“Yeah... I follow.”
“Do you think you can work on that? Accepting when some things are out of your hands?”
“I can try.”
Patrick gives her an encouraging smile. “That's all I ask for. Effort. Keep using your journal. And this is an ongoing assignment, okay?” Amy nods. “Alright. I think we've covered enough today. Do you have any questions, comments?”
“No.”
Amy had no questions that Patrick could answer, anyway.
{{ Sunday, August 20
Kenner, LA
Bree's Home }}
It's the day before BlackOut Academy is set to reopen, and Amy has a lot to think about. Everything to do with the academy – new students, she still didn't know if Josh Hudson would be coming (he had promised to let her know by this evening), the fact that she had decided not to fire Simon and she had to come to terms with seeing and working alongside him every day – were just a few things. Also weighing on her mind was everything said in her last counseling session. Her main concern today? Being comfortable sharing things with her family, and trying to accept that she has no say over how they feel about it. So, Amy suggested to her daughter and sister-in-law that they have a pre-BOA lunch. Bree loved the idea, and offered to have it at her house. Jaina was happy to join her mom and aunt.
The women are gathered at Bree's house, just the three of them. Bree explained that Dom had taken Heath out to the park and to visit a friend from Dom's gym. The friend had a child around Heath's age and they sometimes got the babies together to play. Bree had the lunch catered so no one would need to stress about making it. They had enjoyed the garden salad, baked salmon, and steamed mixed veggies, and were now relaxing outside near the pool, in the shade of the patio.
“This was a really good idea, Amy. I think we all needed something relaxing before everything kicks into gear again.”
“I'm glad you're enjoying having us here.”
“I really should come by more often.” Jaina eyes her aunt guiltily, then glances at her mom. “And to see you, too.”
“We'll be seeing a lot more of each other once SCW goes back on the road. By then we'll need the time apart so we don't get on each other's nerves.” Bree smirks.
“What? That would never happen....” Amy grins, then the three laugh.
“You couldn't even say that with a straight face, Mom.”
“I tried.” Amy shrugs. The laughter dies down and Amy decides this is her opening. “So... I didn't have this idea just to have something fun to do before things get hectic. There's... actually something I want to talk to you two about.”
Jaina and Bree exchange a glance. “Is everything okay?” Bree asks with concern.
“Yes... and no. Physically, medically... yes. It's more about... what I'm dealing with at home.”
Jaina's expression turns hard. “You mean Dad.” Its clear to Amy now that Jaina had been playing nice all afternoon.
“Yes. I'm sure it's no surprise to either of you that there's a lot of things to sort out.” Amy knew Bree knew everything, Wyatt had confided in her. She had no idea what Jaina knew, and honestly didn't want to know. “It'll just get harder and harder to not say anything while we work on it, especially now that I know Loki's been expressing concerns. So, I think I should just tell you exactly what's going on.”
Jaina leans forward, one hand on the table. “Are you breaking up? If that's what's happening, just say so and explain after, you don't have to bury the lede.”
Amy looks at her upset daughter. This wasn't how she planned on starting this, but... she can't control the conversation.
“At this moment in time, no. But I can't speak for the future.”
“What does that mean?” Bree asks quietly, almost compassionately.
“It means... it's not up to me.” Both Bree and Jaina's eyes widen a bit. “You both know that as part of my ongoing treatment, I have a few counseling sessions a week. Wyatt agreed to come with me once a week, to... sort through things.” Amy glances at Bree; she knew exactly what things. Bree nods almost imperceptibly. “Patrick... my counselor, he's actually a doctor, a therapist. He suggested, that with so many issues between us to work on, that we should... sleep separately. For the foreseeable.”
Jaina scoffs. “I already knew that, Loki told me. That's why he was so worried.”
Amy nods, of course. Loki would talk to his sister about his concerns. The two of them had always been close.
“I have to be honest, Amy... I knew, too. Wyatt told me.” Amy turns to Bree and they share a look. Amy understands that Wyatt likely also told her about the abstaining part. Bree knew about the papers too, but no one wanted the kids to know. Amy's eyes plead, for Bree to not say more. Bree nods once, small, in reply. Jaina notices though.
“What was that? That look.”
“I just... don't like how Bree is in the middle. She's hearing this from both sides, and-”
“And I... keep telling your mom that I don't mind. As long as both she and your dad understand that I'm not going to repeat anything the other said. I just want everyone to be happy. Whatever that takes, whatever that means.”
“Right. So let me get this straight. You and Dad have some serious shit going on, that has something to do with your rehab, serious enough that he moved out of your bedroom. But you're not breaking up yet, but you still might? Did I get that right?”
Amy hears the anger, or hurt, in Jaina's voice. She had seen her parents go back and forth, off and on, many times. Amy doesn't blame her for being upset.
“I'm under the impression that it's not off the table yet. I don't want that, but its not up to me. I... messed up, and I have to earn his trust back.”
Jaina scoffs and shakes her head. “What else is new?”
“Jaina...”
“No, Aunt Bree! Don't shush me. I'm just so over this! It's a neverending cycle. Mom fucks up, Dad gets upset, sometimes they fight, sometime they break up. Mom convinces him it'll be different. Rinse and fucking repeat and I'm over it! I don't care this time.”
“Jaina, please just-” Jaina keeps talking over her, to Amy.
“Maybe you deserve it after how many times you've ruined everything. I'll just have to do my best explain to your son why.”
Bree hits the table, a rare display of anger towards her family. “Jaina! She is your mother and that's no way to speak to her!”
Jaina starts to snipe back, but Amy puts both hands up, aimed at them both, to silence them.
“No, Bree. It's fine. She has every right to be angry, and maybe she's right. I've had more than a few second chances, and I've blown them all. Maybe enough is enough.” Amy turns her attention to her daughter. “But again, that's not up to me. Or you. I'd like to think that you'll support your father in whatever he decides.”
Jaina gets up from her seat. “We'll see, once he makes up his mind.” Jaina turns and heads towards the side gate, not bothering to go through the house.
“Jaina...” Jaina doesn't look back.
“Let her go.” Amy speaks quietly. Bree turns back to her, and Amy tries her best to make herself appear neutral.
“You're upset.” Damn. Didn't work. “And you should be, I'm appalled at her attitude! You'd think a girl would want her parents to work things out, but-”
“Jaina is not a girl. She's nearly twenty-two years old and a grown woman. I understand her. She saw and endured more of my failures than anyone else, more than Wyatt has. She had to live with me every day through all of it. She has every right to be pissed.” Amy gives up trying to hide her emotions and rubs her eyes clear. While she understands Jaina's reaction... every word still hurt.
“Okay. Maybe she does, but that doesn't give her the right to speak to you that way. You're her mom!”
“She can speak however she likes. It's my responsibility to deal with the consequences of what I've done.”
Bree sighs, and Amy can tell she's trying to think of a counter. Yes, it includes letting herself be screamed at by her daughter, along with going back to work at BOA and work alongside Simon, even after everything he had done. Amy is determined to not let something personal take anything away from her students without an explanation.
“Taking responsibility is a good thing, and I'm proud of you for that. I am. But you have to take care of yourself, too. No one deserves being yelled at. If Jaina is an adult, she needs to act and speak like one.”
“Bree... I love you for this, but I need you to let this go. It's between me and Jaina. Please.”
Bree sighs, but drops her shoulders, relenting. “Okay. You're right, it's between you.”
“Thank you.”
Amy offered to help Bree clean up but she refused, gently shooing Amy home so she could decompress after what had happened. Amy thanked her for hosting and headed home. On the way, she wondered if she could really decompress, relax, at home... home was a place of contention, too.
Amy has to find a way to keep herself together.