Breakdown 10-13-22 #1
{{Thursday, July 14
Kenner, LA}}
In just a few days, it will be me and Dom's one year wedding anniversary. It's been one hell of a year, too. I got pregnant on our honeymoon. Dom filmed a whole movie – that will likely never see a silver screen, thanks to one of his co-stars allegedly being a creep. Scott moved back to NYC. Jaina bought her own condo. Amy and I grew closer than we've probably ever been... but more about that later. Heath was born. Nora came into our lives. Other than a few minor annoyances (and the whole movie being canceled thing), we've loved every minute of it.
Our actual anniversary day is Sunday, but we decided to take the whole weekend to celebrate, and go to Dom's house in Santa Monica. We asked Nora to come as well, so that we would be able to have at least one whole day and night to ourselves. She agreed easily, as she has never been to California. I imagine she's never been to a lot of places she would be going to, if she agreed to travel with us when I go back to work.
Sitting in the den with Nora, while Heath sleeps in a small playpen near the window, she and I are getting things together for the weekend trip. Nora is packing a bag for Heath, and I am packing my and Dom's luggage. Nora said she already had hers done. She's apparently pretty eager for the trip. The fact that she was so willing to come with us for this made me decide now was a good time to ask her about other travel.
“So, you said you've never been to California, right?”
Nora nods. “That's right.”
“Have you been anywhere outside of Louisiana?”
“Oh sure! When I was a kid my parents liked to vacation at Disney in Orlando a lot”
“Disney is so fun! I can't wait to take Heath there, when he's old enough to enjoy and remember it.”
“Some of my favorite memories are there.” Nora smiles as she rolls up one of Heath's blankets.
“So, just Florida then?”
“Um... we did go visit my mom's cousin in Beaumont once. But that's all.”
“I see. Well, have you ever wanted to go anywhere else?” I ask casually as I fold another one of Dom's t-shirts. Nora was mid-fold of another blanket, but she stops, holding it in the air and peering at me over the top.
“Why are you asking me this stuff?”
“What, can't I be curious about your interests?”
“Sure, I guess so. It just seems out of nowhere, you've never really asked me things like that before.”
“Maybe I should have.” Nora keeps eyeing me over the blanket, as she continues folding it. I huff. “Okay fine. I do have a reason. As you know, my job as a wrestler required a lot of travel. And as you also know, since we discussed it in your interview, I do want to go back to work when I'm ready. I'm thinking maybe in the next few months.” I pause, expecting to realize where I'm going with this. She just looks at me blank. Sigh. “Also in your interview, Dom and I shared with you that once I go back to work, your duties would either entail caring for Heath here while we were away, or coming with us to my shows. I hadn't decided yet what I wanted to do.” Nora nods, she also remembers. “Well, Dom and I spoke about it recently, and we've decided. I don't think I would like being away from my son for days at a time when he's this young, it might give him separation anxiety or something. So... are you willing to travel with us?”
Nora looks up, smiling. “Really? You think I'm doing a good enough job that you want me to go with you?”
“You're doing a fabulous job, babe. Of course we want you to come with us. Heath already knows you, he adores you. If you weren't willing to come, we'd have to find someone who is, and-”
“And that wouldn't be good for him, would it?” Nora glances towards the playpen where my little Nugget is sleeping.
“No, I don't think it would be. So, I'm really hoping you'll-”
“Yes! I would love to.” Nora's face practically explodes into a huge smile. I give her a matching one.
“Oh, I'm so happy to hear that!”
“I had a feeling you might be talking about that with all the questions, but I didn't want to assume and put my foot in my mouth. I've always wanted to see more of the country!”
“You will, once I get back into things. And some of the world too. SCW goes international occasionally. Mostly Canada, they're based there.” That reminded me to make sure everyone's passports were up to date, and get one for Heath, and Nora too if she needed one.
“Right. I'm so excited about this! And... honored? That you and Dom think I'm good enough for this. I mean, travel is totally different than just living here for baby care.”
“It really is, and that's one of the reasons we asked you to come to Santa Monica. We can look at it as a trial run. This is a pleasure trip though, traveling for work will sometimes be more hectic, even with my own plane.”
Nora blinks a few times. “I'm sorry... did you say your own plane?”
“Yes. I thought you knew.” Nora shook her head no. “It was a huge expense at the time but its the one extravagant expense I had to have, it makes life so much easier.”
“No, I didn't know. But that makes me even more excited to go, I've never been on a private plane before, never even thought I would have a chance!”
“I'm telling you, after your first time you'll never want to fly commercial again.”
“I'll find out tomorrow I guess.” She smiles huge again.
“You'll find out a lot of things tomorrow. Life in LA for us is very different than here.”
“Oh I bet, Dom probably gets a lot more attention there.”
“That's one thing, yes. But... well, you'll see. I don't want to spoil everything.” I was going to mention the fact Dom's house was on the beach, but I decided to let her see that for herself.
“I'm so excited! Thank you so much!” Nora bounces up and down and claps her hands, like a little girl. I can't help but giggle at her.
“Don't thank me yet, it'll be more work than what you've been doing.”
“I can handle it.”
“I'm sure you can. I wouldn't have asked you otherwise.”
Nora gives me one more huge smile, and grabs another blanket to fold.
We spent the rest of the time packing talking about traveling. Well, it was mostly Nora asking me about different cities she's always wanted to go to. I think I burst her bubble about Philadelphia and Atlanta, but everything else I told her seemed to increase her excitement level. I was excited too, Dom and I wouldn't have to find someone new and Heath wouldn't have to adjust to that. But I am a little concerned about Nora... she may be a little too excited. I don't think she has any idea what she's getting into.
{{Wednesday, July 27
Gretna, LA
BlackOut Academy}}
If you were waiting to hear about the anniversary trip, I'm sorry to disappoint you. All I'm willing to share is that Dom and I had a wonderful time, and Nora took excellent care of our son the whole weekend. She seemed to enjoy the travel too, so that's a plus. I'd like to keep the details to myself though. You understand.
It's late afternoon and I am at BlackOut with Amy. We've been doing this after her classes are over for a few weeks. Sometimes Kara joins, or Jason. But today it was just us. We were working on me practicing the new moves I was adding to my bag of tricks. A few I thought of and wanted to try, others were ones Amy suggested. Some didn't work out well. Either I just couldn't do it, or it didn't feel like me. But I'm happy with what I've decided on. We're done with the sparring for tonight, and sitting on the ring apron as we cool down. I swing my feet a little, and grin.
“Do you know what this reminds me of?”
“No idea.”
“My first day of training with you.”
Amy grins. “Oh, you mean the day I gave you a lecture instead of drills?”
“Yeah. Cause we sat on the apron like this. I wouldn't say you gave me a lecture, you just asked me things. Why I wanted to do this, what kind of wrestler I wanted to be.”
Amy nods, still grinning at the memory. “I bet back then you never expected to have the career you've had.”
“Well, I hadn't planned on being one of the most hated people in the business, no...” We both laugh a bit. “But on that day I never thought I would make it to becoming a World Champion, either.”
“I did.”
I blink in surprise. “You did?”
“Well, not that day, we hadn't got in the ring yet. But it wasn't long before I could tell you had it. I could see the day you would be better than me.”
I wave a hand in the air. “Oh come on, I could never-”
“You are. Truly.”
There's no arguing with that tone. But I'm me. “If that's true, then why am I still coming to you for help?”
“The best know how to use the resources around them.” She smirks. “Why do I get the feeling you're about to tap into this resource again?”
One thing about Amy is... she has this uncanny knack for sensing when something is on someone's mind. I used to think she was just very good at reading people, but after some of the conversations we've had over the last few months, I've come to believe it's actually a gift. Like a type of psychic ability. The younger version of me who feared God would have never entertained a thought like that, much less believed it. But a lot has changed since then.
“You know me too well?” I shrug. She smirks.
“That, and Rise is this weekend, and I know you were thinking of returning afterwards. We've been training you for it, so I'm expecting questions about that.”
“Training my body and reflexes, yes. We haven't really touched on mindset though.”
Amy nods, I can tell she has a pretty good idea what I mean. “So, you're looking for a similar conversation as your first training day?”
“Something like that. It's just... I've been gone almost a year. It'll be over a year by the time I go back. Before I left, I was trying my best to rectify some of my mistakes, you know? Show people I changed my perspective. But it didn't seem to be working. I couldn't get my feet under me.”
“That doesn't mean people didn't see the change in you. It just meant you were still finding your footing on a new path. Everyone stumbles sometimes. Gods know I did, more than once.”
“I know, it's just...” I shake my head. I'm not sure how to put into words what I'm feeling.
“You want to be different. Really different. Right?” I nod, that was part of it. “Okay. If you want people to believe you're different, you changed, grew, whatever you want to call it, then you have to reinvent yourself. Coming back from a year off? This is the perfect time for that. You've done all the work making the changes you wanted here and here,” Amy taps her head and heart. “In wrestling though, none of that matters unless you put all of that out here.” Amy waves one hand in a circular motion overhead. “After being away from the public eye for so long, I know the thought of that might be intimidating. Maybe the you from a year ago couldn't handle that. But the you sitting in front of me can. You've grown a lot while you were pregnant, and recovering from the birth.”
“I know I have, mostly thanks to you.”
Amy shakes her head a little. “I don't know if I'd say that.”
“I say it. Look, you know how I left the church, and why...” Amy nods, Jaina's abortion isn't something we talk about, despite it being a defining moment not only in Jaina's life, but in mine. “And I was okay with that for a while. But suddenly I was having a baby. And all of that religious stuff came back. I couldn't imagine raising my child the way Mom and Daddy raised me. I love them, but...”
“I know. Why do you think your brother wants nothing to do with anything that resembles religion?”
“Exactly. So I had a problem, I had no idea what I even believed anymore. The church was clearly full of shit, but did that mean God was, too? Or was He not even there? I don't know if I ever told you this, but I came close to joining Dom on his non-believer side.”
“No, you never mentioned that.” Amy seems surprised.
“Yep. I thought about it. But I couldn't convince myself that there was nothing there. I've never lost the feeling that there's something, someone, out there guiding us. So, I came to you.”
“I remember the day very clearly. I never once imagined you would ever ask me about my beliefs.” We both laughed.
“I know, right? I remember purposely avoiding talking about it, I didn't want to hear anything other than what the church taught. Probably because they teach you to be afraid of anything else.”
“They do. After hearing you say you nearly gave up all belief, I'm even more glad you started asking me questions. It would have made me truly sad to see you not believe in anything.”
“Is that why you were so willing to answer me?”
“I was glad you were interested, of course. But also... a long time ago, when I started my own way down the path, I made a deal with the gods. They would guide me and teach me, and I would share what I learned with anyone who came seeking. You have no idea how much it meant to me for you to be that seeker.”
“I mean, you said so a few times.” I grin. She grins back.
“Maybe once or twice.” We both laugh. The truth is Amy had expressed that to me so many times I lost count. It was just as meaningful to me that she didn't ridicule me over my past belief in the church, or mock Christianity at all, since it had been such a big part of my life for most of my life. Not that I thought Amy would ever ridicule me over anything... it was just a difficult and sensitive time for me. “I have to ask though, why are you bringing spirituality up when we're talking about your ring return?”
I sit up a little straighter, bracing myself for this conversation.
“Well, a lot of what I learned from you was a big help in life. Like... understanding myself, why I react certain ways, how to do things better. So, I wanted to know how to use those lessons in a wrestling context.”
Amy sighs, and leans back against the bottom rope. “Look at my body of work. Find something you stand for, something you believe in, and fight for it. You don't want to actually injure people, though. Just hurt them enough temporarily for you to get your win. And maybe in that temporary hurt and their loss, your opponents might learn something.”
I nod, taking it all in. It was like the ring was a microcosm of life. Opponents are obstacles. Sometimes you overcome and win, sometimes you don't.
“That said, there are also times when your opponent just needs a hard lesson in humility and there isn't anything wrong with that. So many people in this business are unbalanced. They're short sighted, or they have blinders on. They don't, or can't, see the whole picture. That's where you need to be different.”
“How do I do that?”
“Keep your eye on the whole forest and what may be going on in the shadows, instead of just the two or three trees in front of you. Other people, even the company itself, will try to distract you with all sorts of things. But you need to stay mindful of the bigger picture. Does that make sense?”
“It does. I know what you mean about the blinders, so many people are hyper focused on one person, or one title. They're not seeing all the other opportunities out there.”
Amy smiles, and nods once. “You get it. Once you're back out there, it'll be easy to get sucked back into that mindset. That's where you need to be hyper aware of yourself, and keep your own balance.”
“I like this balance analogy, do you mind if I use that? Like on air?”
Amy waves a hand as if giving something away. “Go right ahead. That's why I'm telling you these things, it's not just abstract ideas, the intent is for you to use it practically.”
“Use balance? You want me to walk the ropes?” I grin, and we both laugh.
“Not that literal. What I mean is, you found your balance while you've been out. You can do your best to bring that to everyone else, and SCW as a whole.”
I didn't have to think hard about where to start. “I think I need to start with Liz.”
“That's not a bad idea.” Amy had watched more than a few Breakdowns with me and knew how The Brand and Giovanni Aries had somehow got their hooks into Datura.
“I just don't understand how they got to her, you know?”
“Yes you do. She's one of your best friends, you know her weakness... and it's exactly what they prey on.”
“Right... self-doubt, all of that. I just wish she'd listen to me. She hasn't even been down to visit since before Heath was born. She hasn't met him yet, and she was so excited about him.”
“She's been caught up in this mess. But she's also a smart woman. She just let her guard down and allowed them to take advantage of her insecurities. She just has to find herself again.”
“Like I did?”
“Something like that.” Amy smiles, and I know she's right. Liz is smart. And at some point that has to overcome the mindgames, right? I had Amy help me. I can be that for Liz.
“I think I know how to help her.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. I make sure she knows I am here for her, for starters.”
“That's the biggest thing.”
“But also some other things behind the scenes. I plan to use several things you taught me, including working with certain gods. I don't know how to thank you for everything.”
“Seeing you happy and healthy, in every way, is all the thanks I need.” With another smile, Amy leans in and we hug right there on the ring apron, a long one. If the only thing I ever do with some of the things Amy taught me how to do is get Liz away from those creeps, it would be enough.
We part, and I lean one arm on the bottom rope. “I have one more question for you. Do you think I'm ready to go back?”
“Right now, like tomorrow? No. Not quite. We still need to get your timing perfect on that new finisher.” I nod, she wasn't wrong about that. A leaping move required perfect timing or you'll just hit the mat empty handed. “But I do think you will be soon. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually? You're there. Once the physicality is where you want it to be... I think you're on pace to be the best you've ever been.”
“Stop.”
“Seriously.”
As we made small talk while cleaning up from our session, I decided to make a call to HR about starting the process for my return. Rise to Greatness is this weekend, I am going to Las Vegas for the festivities. What better time to make that call?