Breakdown 11-30-23 #1
It's official.
I hate the actors' strike.
I know it's necessary and a lot of people's livelihoods depends on it turning out well, and I support it. I'll make that clear. But I also hate it. It's ruining my life! Maybe that's a little dramatic, but it's true. Ever since Dom's director misunderstood the show's contract and they accidentally worked when they weren't supposed to, the studio has insisted that the entire cast and crew attend protests to make it clear they support the strike. This means that for the last few weeks, Dom has been going back and forth to LA every week. He leaves on Wednesday and comes home Sunday or Monday, depending on scheduling. I'm usually not home Thursday and Friday so that was the arrangement. Except it still leaves us with not much time together every week. It's a good thing I've been helping out at Amy's school and also doing extra training with Josh a few times a week, like he offered, because at least I have something to keep me busy.
The extra training with Josh has been good for me. Dom was skeptical about it at first, he was worried about me possibly being uncomfortable. I said I wouldn't have agreed if I was at all, and he accepted that. Josh and I usually work out twice a week, sometimes three. We stay at the gym after BOA classes. Amy takes both Heath and Jalyn home with her to keep them while we work. The babies love playing with each other and get along really well. Afterwards we both go to her house to get them, usually arriving at the same time. It's a good system, and it's made our friendship closer, and more casual, in a way. Josh doesn't hesitate to call me if there's some baby thing he doesn't know, and I'm learning new things. More recently we'd both even made a few off the cuff, somewhat flirtatious jokes. Nothing was weird about it, we both know we're just kidding around and there's nothing else to it. Well... there was one day where I had to wonder, but I could just as easily have been mistaken, so I brushed the whole thing off.
{{ Monday, October 30
Gretna, LA
BlackOut Academy }}
Everyone has left BOA and it's just me and Josh upstairs now. Classes with the students went well, and now it's time for me to be the student. I am doing stretches in the middle of the ring as Josh slides in and gets to his feet.
“Okay, you've got Under Attack coming up. I thought our meetings this week should be a review. Go over every submission you use and make sure they're sharp.”
“Sounds good. I've been wanting to throw some new things into my work, but I'm worried about fucking it up and looking bad.”
“You could never look bad.” I raise my eyebrow a bit. There was one of those comments. “In the ring. You're one of the most talented wrestlers in the company. I'm sure if you started to incorporate some of this, you would be just fine.”
“Thanks. Maybe I'll start. After Under Attack.”
Josh grins. “Stick with what you know for an important match, I get it. Are you just about ready?”
I smile, then do a kip up to get to my feet. “Ready.”
“Great. We'll start simple and work our way up. First... armbar.”
I nod, and we get into position. As we go through the motions and variations, I can't help but think about the first time Josh went over armbars with me a few weeks ago.... the time that made me wonder.
* * * * * {{ October 5 – BlackOut Academy }} * * * * *
“We'll start simple and go from there. Armbars. And I chose that because I've noticed some things in your matches that I'd like to point out.”
Of course he watched my matches, he had to know what he was working with. Up til now we'd only gone over some basics and sparred a bit so he had an idea of what I could do. We'd never had a match against each other. “Okay, yeah. Please tell me what I'm doing wrong.”
Josh drops to the mat and lays down, then gestures to me. “Get down, show me your cross armbreaker.” I stare at him a moment. “I can't point out what needs work if you don't show me how you apply the hold.”
“Okay. But like, loose, right?”
“Of course. Come on.” I shrug, and get down, and get into position. I'm laying down, my legs over his chest and my arms wrapped around his, pulling his arm back straight, loosely.
“Okay, now look over here at your legs over me. They're too low. I can easily do this...” He pushes my legs down with one hand and starts to sit up. I nod. He gets back down. “Now, your grip. If you reverse it, it'll be tighter and harder to break. Watch.” He pulls his arm up and immediately out of my grip. He offers me his arm back. “Reverse it.” I grab his arm again and wrap my hands around the other way. I immediately see what he means and nod. He pulls on his arm again, and I'm able to hold on.
“I don't know why I never thought of that.”
“Because you were just doing what you were taught. Get up, lets switch, I'll show you the more effective way to position your legs.”
We switch, I lay down and he sits next to me before doing anything. “So, your positioning was, you laid your legs across the chest even with the arm. Like this.” He swings his legs around and demonstrates, while I hold my arm out of the way. “But, as you saw, that leaves your opponent open to forcing themselves to sit up and loosen the hold. A better way... lay back.” I put my head down. “Is to angle your body upward, so that your inside leg falls over the shoulders, instead of across the ribs.” He moves his legs, with one across my shoulders, almost over my neck, and the other lower, under my boobs. “Now, with the weight being higher up, it's a lot harder to force yourself into a sitting position, isn't it?”
I nod, my chin nearly bumping his knee. “Yeah, I can see that.”
Josh moves off me quickly, and we both get to our feet. “So, you think you can work me down into it and apply it that way?”
“I can try.”
“Let's go.”
We get into sparring position, and go. Lock up and I immediately try to grab his arm to toss him down. He counters though, and spins around grabbing me from behind. I try to break his grip around my waist... and stop for a moment. I can't possibly be feeling against my back what I think I'm feeling... right? By back I mean lower back, almost my butt. Before I can think about it more than a moment, Josh let's me go, grabs my arm and sends me across the ring. On the rebound I catch him with a crossbody, then maneuver into the armbar position. I fumble a little getting my legs the way he showed me, and he lets me rather than countering. The whole point is for me to learn it. It doesn't take me too long though and I get it right, my shin close to his chin, since I'm shorter than he is. I lock in his arm with the reverse grip, and pull back. Josh taps immediately. I let go. Of course he did, this is just sparring. He sits up and turns away from me to get up, then goes to the corner where a towel is. He talks as he walks, keeping his back to me.
“Good job, we'll work on that though so you can place your legs faster.”
“Yeah, that was my only hangup.” Well, other than that half-second where I thought I felt something rather unexpected against me. But I had to be mistaken. Josh wipes his face with the towel, then hangs it on the rope, and leans on the top ropes, doing a kind of arm stretch. He still hasn't turned around. Maybe I'm not wrong....
* * * * * {{ Present }} * * * * *
I am in the middle of trying to lock in my Crescent Lock when I push that particular memory out of my head. It had only happened once, assuming it happened at all. I'm starting to think I imagined it. The small bit of my PTSD from the rape starting shit. I'm holding Josh's legs and about to step through when all of a sudden he pulls a leg free and kicks at me. I step back and he gets his other leg free, then spins up to his knees and grabs my arm, taking me down with a weird arm drag. I end up on my back, and Josh lets go of my arm, ending up kneeling next to me.
“What the fuck?!”
“Always expect the unexpected.” He sits back on his heels and smirks. I sit up, annoyed.
“We're sparring! I'm supposed to be-”
“And I noticed you starting to lose focus. So I decided to bring you back to the moment.”
The smirk disappears, and we just look at each other a moment or two. I wanted to say “the moment, huh? What moment, exactly?” But I can't make myself talk for some reason. What is this?
My phone ringing from the chair at ringside breaks the silence, and the moment. Its the tone I set for Dom. I blink and start to get up.
“That's Dom calling me, he never calls while I'm here, it must be important.”
“No problem. It was break time anyway.”
I slide out of the ring and grab my phone.
“Hey baby.”
“Hey there. Hope I didn't catch you at a bad time.”
“Just at the gym. What's up? Are you home?”
“Not yet. Well, I'm here, at the airport. Soon as I got phone signal back, I got some texts from Lisa. I called her back, and...” He sighs. This can't be good. I sit in the chair my phone had been resting on. It's part of a row of four that makes up a 'front row' at ringside. “There's a story you should know about before it hits the internet.”
I close my eyes in frustration. Here we fucking go. “I'm guessing it's nothing good.”
“No, it's not. So, last night after we left the line, we went to a nearby bar, as usual. This time, some vulture was in there and took some pictures. According to Lisa's source, a few of them are dark and ambiguous enough for this guy to make a case that myself and another of the shows actors, you didn't meet him, he's a bit character... anyway. That he and I were, uh... messing around, with other women, while in LA for the protests.”
I sigh hard. “Goddammit Dom! You're not even technically working and they can't leave you alone!”
“Yeah, I know, it's completely preposterous. I have no idea who's next to me in this picture, neither Lisa nor I have seen it. Her contact says it's a stretch.”
“Of course it's a stretch, it's made up! Just like all the other ones. Every damn project you've had these people have come up with something to try to make you look bad. I'm fucking sick of it!”
My raised voice seems to get Josh's attention, as I notice him slide out of the ring and look at me with concern.
“Believe me, I'm just as sick of it, if not more. But there's nothing to be done except wait for this to drop. Sometime tonight.”
I sigh hard again, shaking my head. “Yeah. Thanks for the warning.” I close my eyes, trying to fight off the incoming migraine.
“Yeah of course.”
I didn't want to discuss this further in front of Josh. “Look, let me let you get going so you can get home. My break is almost over anyway.”
“Break? Oh right, you said you were at the gym. Working with Josh again, I take it?”
Was that a tone in his voice? Maybe not, he's in the airport, could just be from walking. I ignore it.
“Yeah, going over my subs to get ready for Under Attack.”
“Right. That's important. Well, have a good work out. I'll see you when you get home.”
“Okay.” He ends the call before I can say anything else. I put my phone down on the chair next to me. “Uggggh!”
“What's wrong?”
I open my eyes and see Josh is sitting next to me, opposite where I put my phone. So much for not discussing it in front of him. I can't not answer him.
“Just... the media. Some photographer is trying to make it sound like Dom and one of his coworkers were fucking around.” Josh's eyes widen. I shake my head again. “Its ridiculous. Every damn project he's done since the first movie, these people try to make up the same story, just in different ways. It's all bullshit and I'm sick of it.”
“I have to say Bree... it kinda sounds like a pattern to me.”
“What do you mean?”
“Every movie he's done, the same story?”
“Except the one he did with Kennedy.”
“Right. So, have you ever considered that, if it's always a similar story, that they might be on to something?”
I sit up straight and glare. “No! That's completely preposterous! He would never do that!”
“Are you sure, though?”
“Yes, I'm sure! He's my husband, I know him. He would never!” I'm getting really mad, and my voice had gone louder. Josh backs away a little, looking at me oddly.
“Who are you trying to convince right now, me or yourself?”
“Stop it, Josh! Just stop. I'm here to train, not discuss my personal life.”
Josh leans in again, bracing his hands on his knees. “Maybe that's something we should discuss.” His words were quiet and deliberate, not his usual retort tone.
“Why? It's none of your business.”
“About your husband, no it's not. But whatever this is...” He motions a finger between us. “Is definitely my business.” I'm reminded of a conversation he and I had in a bar years ago, about making something about me his business. I ended that night in his hotel room.
“What are you talking about?” I know exactly what he's talking about. I'm now certain I wasn't wrong a few weeks ago, and that those 'joke' comments were not jokes at all. On either part.
“Do me a favor, and don't play dumb with me. You're a terrible liar. You can't tell me that you haven't noticed, or felt, the same thing I have here. And I think we should talk about it.”
I look down, avoiding eye contact. I don't want to admit it, but he's right. I realize that's practically an admission without saying a word, but I can't. If I say it, it's real, and then I'm in trouble. It hits me that I've been purposely ignoring this for weeks. At least since that day. Maybe before that.
“Bree.” Josh raises my chin with two fingers. He's now leaning in closer than before. “Tell me the truth. You have, haven't you?”
Fuck. I am a terrible liar. It's part of the reason I refuse to do it. There's no point. Josh knows that. The world knows. I can't make my voice work, just a whisper.
“Yes.”
Josh nods slowly, as if he knew. Still holding my chin, he starts to lean closer, slowly. It's obvious what he's going for, and giving me plenty of time to object, but I can't make myself move. Maybe I don't want to. Before I can chide myself for that thought, hes kissing me. I let him for a moment, then start to reciprocate. Another second or three later, my common sense catches up with me, and I push him away, leaning back.
“We can't do this.”
“I think we just did.”
“No... I can't do this.”
“But you want to.” It's not a question. I don't reply. “This is what we should talk about.”
“There's nothing to talk about. This isn't like before, I'm married!” Why did I have to mention before?
“According to the media, someone should remind him of that.”
“It's not true.” My protest sounds weak.
“Maybe, maybe not. But this... is. You admitted it. We can't keep acting like it's not.” I look away again. “What are we gonna do about it?”
I snap my head back up. “Do? Nothing! The same thing I've been doing for weeks, ignore it.”
“Weeks?” I see him trying to cover a grin. Fuck.
“Listen to me, Josh. Regardless of what... is or isn't there-”
“Is.”
I sigh. There's no point not admitting it now. “Fine. Is. You need to understand that I can't... do this.” The unspoken 'even though I want to' hangs in the air.
Josh nods, slow like before, and finally leans back away from me. “Okay. I respect that. I do. You have my word I won't kiss you again until you ask for it.”
“You mean unless.”
“No... I mean until.” He rubs my face with a gentle finger, before getting up. “I assume we're done for tonight?”
“Yes.” Josh shrugs, and starts to walk away. “I also think...” He stops and turns back to me. “That we should put training on hold for a while.”
“That's probably a good idea.” He then turns and walks off towards the corner where his bag is. I watch as he grabs it and leaves. I sit back, my hand over my mouth, as if it burned.
I could ask myself what the fuck just happened, but I know what happened. The inevitable. I should have seen it coming. Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't want to stop it. I did let him kiss me. I shake my head at myself, what the fuck, Bree?? A thought hits me – the media. Would I have ever allowed this to happen if I was absolutely certain that the media was full of shit?
No.
No, I wouldn't have.
Fuck.
I am definitely in trouble.