Breakdown 12-15-22
From everything I've read and been told by other moms, it's normal to feel nervous and anxious right after giving birth to your first child. I was also told that those feelings would decrease over time and eventually go away. In my case though... it just seems to be getting worse. I can't explain why, and it's driving me crazy. Sienna's theory is that it isn't just the whole parenting thing, but that I went back to work so soon. She thinks I didn't give myself enough time to adjust. I mean, her daughter is a year old now and she still has no timetable for a return, if ever. Amy thinks it's partially because I hadn't fully processed everything from being attacked, since I got pregnant so soon afterwards, and now everything I might have dealt with mentally then is coming out now. Dom doesn't have any ideas as to why I'm feeling this way, he just wants me to work through it and feel better. Me? I have no idea... all I know is I get really anxious if I'm away from my son for more than a few hours, and every now and then something innocent someone says makes me paranoid. Like when other people besides me or Dom call him Nugget. Or suggest he stay overnight with them. So far he's only ever stayed at Wyatt and Amy's overnight, and that's just been twice.
The one thing everyone does agree on, is that this isn't normal. Dom suggested a few weeks ago that I go see Dr. Lucio again. I had seen her a few times after my attack and she really helped. At the time I told Dom I would think about it... but then the mess with Heath's picture being on the tabloid auction block happened. That made everything worse, so I called.
{{Tuesday, November 29
Metairie, LA
Dr. Lucio's office}}
Dr. Lucio had no problem fitting me into her schedule, as long as I went to her actual office rather than seeing her at the women's shelter Amy runs. Dr. Lucio is there twice a week to help the women there, but she preferred to see me at her office. So, here I am. The receptionist called me back a few minutes ago, and I've been waiting in the office for a few minutes. Luckily I have spoken with this doctor before or I'd probably be way more nervous. I check my phone to make sure I put it on silent, and just as I'm sliding it back into my purse, the door to the doctor's private office opens and Dr. Lucio comes out. We smile at the same time.
“Bree, it's good to see you again, although I wish it wasn't because you're having some issues.” Dr. Lucio sits and opens a notebook to a clean page. She's an older lady, I'd say pushing 60, with cropped salt and pepper hair, and black rimmed oval glasses.
“Good to see you too, and I'd say especially because of my issues. I'm glad you had a spot for me open so soon.”
“I tend to keep Tuesday's lightly booked for things like this. So, on the phone you said you've been having some anxiety?”
I nod. “That's right. You make it sound minor, but I don't think it is, and neither does my husband.”
“What about it concerns you?”
“Just the... intensity of it.”
“Constant?”
“No, I'd say it comes and goes. But it mostly centers around my son.”
Dr. Lucio makes a note. “How so?”
I sigh. “Like... I can't stand to be away from him. I mean, him being in his room sleeping and me in another room is fine. But... okay. I went back to work recently, and I've been taking him on the road with me, because the thought of leaving him home and traveling hundreds or even thousands of miles away....” I shake my head. “I can't do it.”
“Alright. Let's get some more detail about that. Are you taking him with you alone, or...?”
“No. Dom has been coming, and we also have a live-in caretaker, Nora, and she travels with us, too.”
“Like... a nanny, or au pair?”
“That's right. We just prefer the term caretaker.”
She nods. “Understood. And do you think this... Nora?” I nod. “Has been a big help to you?”
“Oh absolutely. In fact I recently told her as much. If she hadn't been around, I wouldn't have been able to get back into shape so quickly to return to work.”
“Okay. Does anything else trigger you?”
“Well... this is gonna sound so crazy-”
“Hey. We do not use that word in my office.” I get a stern look over the top of her pen.
“Right, sorry. Well, to me it sounds... paranoid.”
“Interesting word. Go on.”
“Certain things people say. Like using my son's nickname. It's not a secret, I've used it since I was pregnant, everyone knows it. But anyone other than me or Dom saying it seems... improper. Like an intrusion, or violation.”
After making another note, Dr. Lucio looks up. “Too intimate.”
“Yes! Exactly. Or holding him a certain way, or... I don't know, it could be any little normal thing, but it'll hit me wrong.”
“Do you feel like the person doing the action or saying the thing is trying to move in on your space?”
I think about that a second, and it clicks. “Yeah... I guess that's it.”
Dr. Lucio nods, looks over her notes a second, then pushes the notebook away and looks up at me.
“So, let's review. You don't like being away from your son, and you don't like when other people besides you and your husband appear to have an intimate relationship with your son. Correct so far?”
“Yes.”
“And your caretaker Nora. You said she is live-in, yes?” I nod. “So this means she is around your son just as much as you and Dom are, maybe even moreso. Does she fall into the category of people who's words and actions make you anxious?”
I sigh. “Yes and no. Like... I trust her to care for him, she's been with us since about week before he was born. But either me or Dom is always close by when she's with him. I told Dom recently that I'm not sure I would be comfortable leaving him alone with her. But very soon I will have no choice. I have to work and Dom has some work things in California so he can't come to work with me, so it will be just Nora taking care of him when I am actually working.”
“This could be why your anxiety seems to be getting worse as of late, you are dreading having to do something you don't feel comfortable with.” I look down at my hands, and nod a little. That sort of thing has been happening too much for my liking lately. “Does that sound familiar to you at all?”
“I know what you're getting at, it sounds like my attack. Just like something else that's recently happened that made me have to do something I don't want to do.”
This raises the doctor's brow. “Oh?”
I explain about the papparazo and trying to sell Heath's picture to the highest bidder, and our decision to counter it by releasing a picture ourselves.
“I see. So in yet another way, privacy and agency has been taken away from you.”
“Right. And I do agree that it's the best way to handle it, but... why do people have to be this way, you know? Like, we're just people who happen to make a living on TV, what gives anyone the right to anything about us that we don't want to share?”
“Oh I agree with you, unfortunately the general public have a way of deciding for themselves what they feel entitled to. You know that well.”
“Don't they think we're entitled to keep some things private? I mean, he's a baby!” I notice myself getting agitated and upset, and take a deep breath. “Sorry, it just makes me so mad.”
“No need to apologize, you have every right to be angry about it. I'm more concerned about how it affects your anxiety though.”
“Well... in one way I won't be so nervous about being in public with him after we release our own pictures. But until then... there's nothing stopping any other photographer from sneaking around and getting one too, and then that person doing the same thing.. .shopping it around for profit. I can't imagine two of them doing this. So I've been even more careful when going out in public with him than I ever was before.”
“That's certainly not sustainable.”
“No. I feel like I'm losing control of everything. No... that control is being taken away from me. Again.” I cover my face with one hand, trying to control myself. My brain gave me a split second flashback to that day, and it hit me like a truck.
I must have been breathing oddly, because Dr. Lucio gets up and comes around the desk and puts her hand on my back. “Okay, you're okay. You're safe in here. Take one loooong deep breath... there you go. Let it out. Good. One more long one.... good.” I exhale slow, and feel ridiculous for losing it. “Are you okay now?”
“Yeah... I think so. I'm sorry.”
“Stop apologizing for your feelings.” She pats my back gently, then goes back behind her desk as she continues. “You're here to sort through them and learn to handle them in healthy ways. Sometimes that means things like this happen,” She sits and gives me a smile. “And that's okay. It's actually helped me to understand what I think may be going on with you, and how to try to help.”
“Already?”
“It does seem rather clear cut to me. I think you're experiencing unprocessed PTSD stemming from being assaulted. That one incident took control away from you, and you've been struggling ever since to take it back. Like when you came to me shortly after concerning relations between you and your husband.” I nod. After being assaulted in the way I was, being raped... it took a long time for me to be okay with anyone touching me, not even Dom. He even slept in a guest room for over a month. I had been afraid I'd never be able to let him near me again, and that's what Dr. Lucio helped me with back then. Obviously she was a big help, since Heath exists. “You found something you can control though, your son. He's small, and he depends on you for everything. Therefore, anything or anyone that appears to be taking that away from you presents as a threat. Does that sound accurate?”
“I guess that's why Dom and a few family members don't push those buttons, but everyone else does.”
“Rationally you have to know that most people, especially those close to you, don't mean you or your son any harm whatsoever. Right?”
“I do know that. But I can't help it when my brain just... goes off on its own with cra- uh, irrational thoughts, and makes my stomach and chest hurt.”
Dr. Lucio makes more notes, then closes the notebook. “Alright. So with those conditions in mind, the PTSD and anxiety, I'd like to try you out on some medication, are you open to that?”
“Sure. I've taken things before. I had sedatives when my mom died a few years ago, and I had sleep aids after the assault. I had terrible nightmares, the medication made it so I didn't dream at all.”
“Yes, I have your prescription history here... you won't be needing either of those medications for this. There is an anti-depressant that is commonly used for both anxiety and PTSD that I'd recommend you try. It's called Wellbutrin, have you heard of it?”
“No, I don't really know anything about those kinds of medicines.”
Dr. Lucio opens a file drawer on her desk, rifles through some folders, then pulls out a pamphlet. She slides it to me across the desk. “Here's a good packet of information. It explains how the medication works, what possible sides effects could be. There are other medications in this class but I'd like you to try this one, as you've already had intimacy issues stemming from the assault, and this medication is one of the few that does not have negative sexual performance side effects.”
I scan the front of the booklet, but look up sharp at that last part. “What are the negative ones?”
“Well, quite a few of the drugs in the same class can reduce libido, decrease function. Patients mostly report a numb feeling.”
I make a face. “That sounds terrible.”
“Some don't mind, as they don't have partners. But I feel you specifically don't need any further complications in that area. This medication works without affecting that.”
“Okay. I'll try it if you think it'll help.”
“It very well may. You'll have to be on it for a few weeks before you notice any difference, it takes a while to build up in your system to do it's job. Here...” Dr. Lucio goes to her computer and clicks something. A second later the printer behind her whirrs. She grabs the paper and hands it to me. “This is for thirty days. Take one a day, preferably in the morning. You should know by the end of the thirty days if it's helping or not. If so, great. If not... we adjust. How does that sound?”
“It's a plan, which is more than I had before.”
Dr. Lucio gives me another smile. “Good. If you have any averse side effects, call me right away and we'll fix it.”
“I will.”
“In the meantime while you wait for it to take effect, I suggest meditation.”
“Oh, I have. Amy gave me some book recommendations. I started one, it seems to help me sleep.”
“Excellent. Do you have any other concerns you'd like to bring up today?”
“Nothing else really comes to mind right now.”
“If something else crops up, feel free to call me. Otherwise, let's check in two weeks from now, how does that work for you?”
“Fine.”
After leaving Dr. Lucio's office, I went straight to the pharmacy to get the medication. I really hope it helps, I'm tired of feeling this way.
We find Bree Lancaster seated in the back of her plane, cross-legged on the divan seat. Wearing jeans, a gray SCW logo t-shirt, and socks with no shoes, she smiles as she settles back a little more comfortably.
Hey babes. I know, I didn't really say anything before my last match, so you didn't get to hear from me after becoming your new Adrenaline Champion. I won't linger on it long, I just wanted to say two things. One, to Datura and Alexis. You both pushed me past the limit I thought I had and helped me find that sweet spot in the ring I thought it would take me a lot longer to get back to. Thank you both for the challenge. Liz in particular... anytime you want a single's dance with me for it, say the word. Although I think you're far more excited about our potential teaming up. I can't wait for that.
Secondly, I just want to make clear that I plan to do everything in my power to hold the Adrenaline Championship up to the standard it deserves. Every title in this company has it's own stature, it's own history, it's own... reputation. I know what it stands for and means to me, and I'm going to make sure that comes out every time I speak about it, and every time I get into the ring, title defenses or not.
Bree pauses a moment, signifying a change in track.
So, that brings me to this week. Trios. An event that I am very familiar with, although I've never won one. Been to the finals three times, and got edged out every time. Two of those finals runs, I had the same partner as I will have tonight at Breakdown, Syren. I don't know of any other pair of wrestlers who have been randomly drawn into Trios together three times. Maybe this time... we can make it work. They say third time is the charm, right? Well, this is Syren and my third time teaming, and the last two, we were in the finals. I would really love to make the third time be successful.
Anyone who has followed SCW for at least a few years will know that Syren and I... haven't always gotten along. Okay, we've never gotten along. I blamed her for playing games with the World Championship years ago, she blamed me for... I don't even know, really. Point is... we haven't liked each other. The only times we put that aside was for Trios. This year though... I'm coming into this with all of that animosity and blame behind me. In the last year or so, both Syren and I have made some changes. In the way we see t hings, in the way we do things. Syren, babe... I hope that you can come into the ring with the same mindset as I am. The past is the past, and tonight is about the future. One where you and I, along with Sarah Wolf, can get the Trios monkey off our backs and finally get some contracts. What do you say?
Bree puts her hands up in a questioning position, grinning. She lowers them, folding her hands into her lap.
Speaking of our third partner, Sarah Wolf. Look, she's an eccentric woman. Dangerous, even. Any other time I might be wary of being on the same side as her. But we need her. The different way she operates, the 'anything goes' outlook. I used to be that way, maybe not in quite the same way as Sarah, but you get me. I made a decision to put that behind me and be better, because I have to set a better example for my son. I don't want him to grow up with the kind of person I used to be for a mom. That doesn't mean I don't understand that there is a time and a place for behaving a certain way in the ring, and Sarah has that unpredictable violent streak perfected. If the three of us are going to get through this thing... we need that aspect in our team. We just do, it's truth. I want you both to know that I am willing and able to play my part in getting us through this thing and coming out with those contracts.
Unfolding her legs, Bree sets her feet on the floor and leans over a bit, resting her arms on her knees.
To our first round opponents, I'll be brief. Firstly, while it's a shame Randy Ramon had to drop out for personal reasons, as I would have liked another tussle in an environment where his shenanigans really wouldn't help much... I am delighted that his replacement is a young man I know very well, Jamison Logan. Jamison, we've trained together, we've teamed together, and now we're going to be on opposites sides from each other. I'm looking forward to mixing it up with you for real, not just sparring at BlackOut Academy.
Cassie Wolfe. A newcomer to SCW, and from what I hear, to wrestling itself. Babe, you have a wonderful personality and from what I've seen, the only way you can go is up. I hope that if my team beats yours, it doesn't damper your spirit and you continue to do your best to rise up the SCW ranks.
And Deanna... everyone knows your wife Selena and I have had our battles, wars even. I think for a while you were very wary of me for that fact. I know we've spoken in private not too long ago, but I want to remind you that I never had any issues with you, you were just supporting your wife and I can't blame you for that at all. The rest of the world may not know this yet but I'm going to reveal it, Selena, you and I recently came to a sort of truce. I just didn't want to come back here with rivalries of the past holding me back. With that in mind, all I have to say to you now Deanna.... is good luck, and may the best team win.
Bree smiles once more as the shot fades out.