Breakdown 3-10-23
After I saw Dr. Lucio following Body, Heart, and Soul, I started to feel better. I didn't miss any more doses, and my dreams were normal. I got the Ativan prescription but I haven't felt like I've needed one, yet. I have no doubt that eventually something will happen and I'll be glad I have it. But for now, things are fine. Dom is still waiting to hear something definite about the TV show; the last thing Lisa told him was that two streaming services were interested, but she wasn't told which ones. The idea of millions of people being able to binge-watch my husband.... I don't know how I feel about that. I can't explain it.
Anyway, during the post-BHS break, I was able to spend more time doing something I've been enjoying for a few weeks now. Helping Amy with her academy classes. She's been down two trainers for a while, you see. I don't know the details and I won't ask because it's none of my business, but not too long ago, Shane and his daughter Hope left, going back north for something family related. A few weeks later, Kara followed. Last I spoke to her, she was in New York City, close to the gym where she originally trained, and where she met Scott. I like that they're near each other, since he moved back there himself while I was on baby leave. So... Amy needed help, I offered to go in when I could. The last two weeks, since SCW is on a short break, I've been there almost every weekday. I think it's helping me as much as it's helping her. But... I still have concerns.
{{Monday, February 20
Gretna, LA
BlackOut Academy}}
Classes are over for the day, and all of the students are gone. Along with me helping out, Amy also had Jeff Alexander and Jason Helms today. I know it's hard to believe considering past history, but Jason and I get along fairly well these days. Don't get me wrong, we still throw snide remarks and mild insults at each other, but instead of fighting afterwards, we just laugh. Amazing what being somewhat related in two ways can do for two people who used to hate each other, right?
Anyway, it's just me and Amy in the Academy now. Jason was the last to leave a few minutes ago. Amy and I finished resetting everything for class tomorrow – putting the mats and pads back where they go, just tidying up. We've just finished checking the ropes and turnbuckles on the smaller ring, and are now sitting on the apron, resting a bit before locking up and leaving.
“I know I keep saying it, but I have to thank you again for your help. Especially today, today was rough with the three new students.”
I wave my hand in the air. “Stop it, I've been coming to help out for weeks now, it's not a big deal. I like it.”
Amy grins. “I know you do, I just want to make sure you know how much I appreciate it. You have a husband and son at home you could be spending time with, but you choose to be here.”
“So do you.” I stare at her pointedly.
“Yes, but this place is mine. I have to be here, it's my responsibility. You're volunteering. And I'm grateful.”
“I couldn't let the quality of your academy suffer and see its reputation sink just because two people quit and moved away for their family.” Amy nods, still grinning. I think Kara and Shane leaving hit her harder than she wants anyone to know. “So, how is the search for a new trainer?”
Amy scoffs. “Non-existent. I haven't had time to write out an ad, much less post it anywhere. The guys put out feelers with their contacts but no bites so far.”
“You'll find someone. It's an honor to help train here with you, I mean look how many great athletes this place has already put out.”
“I hope you're right. I enjoy you being here but we both know this isn't sustainable.”
I sigh a little. “Yeah. I know.” I hate that she's right. But the more responsibility I get in SCW, as a champion and soon as a tag partner, the less time I will have to spare. Amy seems to be in a mood tonight... grateful, thankful, maybe generous. I decide to try to take advantage. “If you really want to express how grateful you are that I do this.... maybe you can do me a small favor?”
“What do you need?”
“Advice.”
Amy grins. “It's been a while since you asked me for that. What's the issue?”
I sigh again, this one deeper. It's hard to explain, not because it's complicated, but because it's just hard to talk about out loud. “Well, you know how I went to see Dr. Lucio, right?” Amy nods. “And she gave me that medication?” Another nod. “Well... something happened...” I explain to Amy about accidentally skipping a pill, and how my head was all wrong at BHS, and the nightmare.
“Holy shit, Bree. That's rough. I'm glad you spoke to her again about everything.”
“I am too. I sort of understand it now, and I got another medicine for if I have a random panic attack. But what I want to ask you is.... well, I'm just not used to this. Dealing with all this mental stuff while trying to work. And I-”
Amy's laugh interrupts me. “Are you kidding me? Bree.... you've gone through and survived so much shit in the last few years, and still been successful. I think you're more capable of it than you think.”
“Maybe I was. But all that shit, as you put it, caught up with me. I mean, I'm on medication now, Amy.” She nods, acknowledging my point. “So anyway, I know you did a lot of dealing with and managing stuff similar to this when you were going through your struggle-”
“Drinking. You can say it, it's not taboo, or a trigger.” Amy grins. I never know what's okay to say or not, it can be a sensitive topic. I grin back.
“Okay. Your drinking. So.... how did you do it? During the time you were the worst at home, you were doing some of your best work in the ring. How do you focus on just that when everything else in your head is like, static? Or like TV channels flipping too fast?”
“TV channels... good analogy. Well, in a word, I'd say compartmentalization. I know you know how to do that. You did it when you were at your lowest point mentally, during and after your divorce. I watched you, you just turned the hurt off when the bell rang.”
“No, I didn't,” I counter, shaking my head. “I just... channeled it into motivation for beating whoever I was facing.”
“Same thing, different terms. Either way, you're pushing it away.”
“Maybe... this just feels different though. Like... everything with the divorce was external. Cause and effect. I knew what the cause was, or rather who, so it was easier to push it away, act like it didn't bother me, and focus on something else. This though? Anxiety and nervousness and even paranoia sometimes.... it's internal. There's no real reason, and it happens randomly. It just manifests in my brain and-”
“No. That's what you're not understanding. Almost every mental health issue comes from some external trigger. A lot of people don't recognize what that is for a long time.”
I'm confused, Dr. Lucio told me a bunch of stuff about brain chemicals. “But, Dr. Lucio said-”
“I know, chemicals in the brain. That's part of it. In some, the imbalance causes you to react to triggers in an unnatural way. For others, trauma causes the imbalance, your brain over-corrects to compensate for whatever happened. In either case though, there's almost always something that's the root cause of whatever you're going through.”
I process that for a few moments, trying to think what that trigger could have been for me. Amy was right a few minutes ago, I've been through a lot of shit in the last few years. Blake... being first used for news and then stalked by that TMZ guy Julian... Lancelot Crane and those damn pictures... being raped.... maybe it's not one of those things, but everything piled up.
“That seems like it would make sense. But none of the things I went through explains why the main thing I get anxious about is worrying about Heath, instead of myself.”
“Then you haven't found the real trigger yet. Mine was easy, it was Blane.” Amy's first husband that was abusive. I was little when she was married to him and he always scared me. “Figuring out exactly why though was hard. He taught me early in life that the only way to endure something painful was to zone out, become numb. Back then I did it just by forcing my mind to go blank. There's so many times he hurt me that I just don't remember because of that. Then, the first time he hurt me bad enough to require hospital treatment and pain medication, I learned that being under some kind of chemical influence made it much easier to get into that zoned out, numb state.” I want to say something, but Amy seems to be in a zone, recalling everything, so I keep quiet and just let her talk. “I honestly believe that if your brothers hadn't convinced me to go up north to train wrestling with Heath, I would have found liquor a lot sooner. Instead, I had something to focus on. I didn't really start to get myself into that kind of trouble until Heath died. Then Dustin left me...” I nod, I don't know about any of that, I wasn't speaking to her. I only know what I was told years later. “Then, well... you know the rest. But it all goes back to Blane. And once I figured that out, that I was reacting to how he trained my brain to think, to cope by not feeling... it was much easier to start to fix my issues.”
“So, you're saying I need to figure out what the real reason for my anxiety is?”
“Exactly. Once you find that trigger, you can confront it, and learn how to keep it from affecting you so much. We talked about shadow work when you were pregnant, that's what this is.”
It's true. When I was pregnant I had asked Amy about a lot of things. One of those things was dealing with your shadow. Looking inward and addressing the negative things about yourself, why you react certain ways to certain things. Amy thinks, and I agree, that going to therapy is basically just paying someone to help you understand your shadow.
“I remember, and I started doing some of those self-questioning prompts in that book you gave me, but then Heath was here, and I started training, I went back to work. It got put aside.”
“Understandable. I suggest you get back into it, though. It'll help you with everything you're asking me. And maybe you'll find out something about yourself buried deep, and you can work through it and start to feel better.”
I lean back against the ropes, as we're still sitting on the ring apron, and cross my arms.
“That's a good idea, and I agree I should probably do that. But it's not going to help me Friday in my first Adrenaline defense.”
“Oh, you finally got one?”
“Yeah, Breakdown is Friday for some reason and I'm facing Polly Playtime.” Amy makes a face. “Don't overlook her, she can go when she wants to. I've seen it.” Amy nods with a little smile. She was testing me. Ha. “But the last time I was in the ring, at BHS? I blew it. Hard. I know it was because of the skipped pill but I can't get it out of my head. I know I need to, or else I won't be a champion anymore. And it's not like I'm defining myself by that like I used to, I just don't want to fail, either. A lot of people are watching me. Liz... I took it from her, and then we have our tag plans. James Evans for some reason has his attention on me. Either to mess with Liz or get in my head too, although I don't know why. I haven't done anything to him. Well, recently.” Both Amy and I smirk. “And the fans, especially the ones who are giving me a chance to prove that I've changed. I don't want to let them down. But I don't feel confident going into this.” I am shocked I said that out loud, but it's the truth. “I need something that can help me now. There has to be something.”
Amy thinks for a few moments, she seems hesitant. “Okay. I have an idea, but you'll have to come to my place. We can't do it here.”
My eyes widen. “Do what?”
“Well.... I know you were always a little freaked out by this side of what I do spiritually, but some minor magick.”
I start shaking my head. “I don't know about that... when I asked you about your beliefs, I wasn't talking about all of that. I just-”
“I know. But if you're looking for help that's more immediate, the only way I know how to do that is with a simple candle spell, asking for mental clarity ad confidence.”
“Asking who?” I notice I'm not protesting anymore. I must be really desperate.
“Let's see. It's a match, which is combat, which is like war.... so maybe The Morrigan. Or Odin. We can look through a few books and you can choose something you're comfortable with.”
“I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with this at all.”
Amy sighs. “Think of it this way. The candles you light at the church for prayers?” I nod. “Same concept. The smoke carries the prayers to deity. Only... this way is more focused, more effort. A spell is just a prayer with action behind it, instead of just words.”
“Oh... that doesn't sound bad when you put it that way.” Amy smiles. “I think I can do that.”
“Okay.” She looks around the training room. “I think we're done here. You ready?”
“Yeah. I just need to call Dom and tell him I'll be home late.”
On the ten minute drive to Amy's, there are two hopes in my head. One – that I'm not about to get myself into something over my head. And two – that whatever it is Amy is about to show me how to do will actually help.
ON CAMERA
We open to a close up of Bree Lancaster, in a video that's been recorded on a phone. Bree isn't holding it, as it's clear she is walking on a treadmill. Her hands can be seen holding the handles. Bree is seen from the chest up, only showing that she's wearing a dark pink sports tank top. The hair piled up on top of her head has some loose strands hanging down, no doubt having come loose during her workout. Bree smiles briefly, and passes a small towel across her forehead.
Hey everyone... it's been a little busy around here lately, and I'm running terribly behind schedule. So much so that I had to combine today's cardio with doing this video. So apologies for the lack of makeup and the sweat.
I'm gonna get right to the heart of things here, because I don't have time for a lead in like usual. James Evans. Hi. You've been all in my business as of late, haven't you? Let me see what I can remember just off the top of my head.... you interrupted my speech after I became Adrenaline Champion, a show that was in my hometown no less. You continue to needle and antagonize Datura, all the while making cryptic statements to me backstage and in the ring. You interrupted Datura congratulating and celebrating with me after I successfully defended my championship against Polly Playtime.... by sending hired thugs to restrain her. I'm sure I'm forgetting something but you'll have to excuse me for not having time right now to double check.
At first, I had no idea what you were doing. You and Datura have been doing this little dance since before Trios. I didn't understand why all of a sudden you turned some of your attention to me. I mean, you can't possibly be still upset about that title versus title match three years ago where I beat you and became a double champion, right? That would be absurd. So much has changed since then, including both you and I. Personally and professionally. It would be pretty damn strange for you to have carried that particular grudge this long and not done anything about it until now.
But then I rewatched the last two Breakdowns, or at least the parts where you were involved with either me or Datura, or both. And seeing the combination of you having those thugs zip-tie her hands together then lead her away, followed by the conversation you and she had in the ring last week... it hit me. You were never antagonizing me just to actually antagonize me. I'm not the one you have an issue with. I'm not out there doing things in my matches that you disapprove of. No... you were messing with me, to get to her.
You'll have to pardon me for being a little slow on the uptake here, I was gone for a long time and it's been a while since I've had to deal with any manipulations, either by me doing it, or someone else trying to do it to me. So it took a little longer than it should have for me to understand that I wasn't the target. Datura is. You have been getting in my business, ruining my moments, to make Liz angry.
Bree shakes her head, as she still walks the treadmill.
Everyone knows she has something of a temper. Everyone knows when she gets extremely angry, she releases that by putting a hurting on her opponents. Look, I can't judge, I used to do the same thing. Get me mad enough these days, in the right circumstances and I still might. But this isn't about me, James, it was never really about me. It was about pushing Datura to a breaking point. You've made all your speeches and took stands in matches, trying to push this new outlook of yours. Wrestling only, no violence. And that's fine, you're certainly entitled to work the style you want to work. You're even entitled to not like it when other people work too brutally for your taste. You want to be a better man, or something.
Except absolutely nothing has changed about you, James.
Instead of committing the violence yourself, you're just inciting others to commit it for you. You've gone from an active participant into a voyeur. You probably think you're making some kind of philosophical point about human nature and the nature of violence or something high and mighty like that, but you're not.
All you're doing is making yourself look like a hypocrite.
You claim you don't want any more violence in wrestling, yet you're doing everything you can to provoke one of the most violent competitors in this business. You have to know this can't end well for you.
I was happy to stand aside and let Datura fight her own battles, but now this match is booked, so I have no choice. You may have been trying your best to push Datura to anger, but in the process, you've pissed me off. Did you learn nothing watching the way the Brand's attempt to suck Datura into their nonsense played out? Let me spell it out for you, babe.
I am sick and tired of seeing people trying to manipulate one of my best friends, just to use her to make your stupid point!
She's gonna have her day with you, James. At Retribution inside that cage. But later tonight, you're going to have your day with me. In your mission to push Datura to the edge to prove a point, you neglected the fact that you were angering me in the process. I'm sure you remember what happens when you piss me off. I know it's been three years but I remember it having a big effect on you, so I know you remember.
I'm not going to get violent though. I'm not going to do any of the things that you don't think wrestlers should do anymore. Not because you don't like it...
Bree stops moving, she's stopped walking. She leans closer to the recording phone.
… but because I don't need to.
Bree reaches towards the phone, and ends recording.