Breakdown 6-27-24
Taking Hold of the Flame was perfect. I am still Adrenaline Champion. I will give Marie Jones credit where it’s due, she made me dig deep and go farther than I intended, but I couldn’t let this championship go yet. The battle royal was next, and seeing Amy chuck Simon out on his ass was enjoyable. But the best part? Not only did Josh surprise everyone (except me, because duh) with his entry… but he also won the whole damn thing! It was exactly what he needed after the trip to Boston I went with him on, and the plans we made before going to London. With my divorce finalized and everyone looking to the future, Josh asked me if I would get a new place with him. I agreed immediately. But, we decided to wait to start the process until after the Flame at the earliest.
A few weeks have gone by now, and other than looking at a few real estate sites, we haven’t made any moves towards it yet. We’d been spending a lot of time at my place now that Dom is gone for the foreseeable. Sure, Josh’s place is closer to the Academy, but I have a pool. So the choice is easy. It’s amazing and almost scary how easily we’ve blended our lives together, creating this little family. Heath and Jalyn aren’t my son and his daughter. They’re our babies.
{{ Friday, June 21
Kenner, LA
Veteran’s Memorial Park }}
Jaina, Marie, and I walk through the parking lot towards the small crowd. Once again, I am going with Jaina to a circle with the coven she’s been involved with. I learned that they’re called Sacred Sisters, which explains why there were no men. As we go up the sidewalk, we’re met by Maia, the unofficial leader.
“Good evening, ladies! I’m so glad you made it.”
“Wouldn’t miss it.” Jaina smiled back.
“I really enjoyed the last event I came to, and Jaina said this one was something special, so here I am.”
Maia smiles bigger, which I hadn’t thought was possible. “It is! Not only are we celebrating the full moon, but also the summer solstice. So, I’ll be drawing down the moon.”
I blink. “I’m sorry, what?”
“You’ll see.” Maia smiles once more as she turns away and heads back to the circle area. I spin to Jaina.
“What is that? What she said about the moon?”
“It’s a thing where a priestess invokes the goddess. She like, inhabits her.”
“Like possession?”
“Kinda, except not really. Because the goddess is invited. Possession is without consent.”
“Oh.” I nod, thinking to myself how weird it is that my niece is teaching me things that maybe Amy should have gone over a few years ago when I was pregnant and asking questions. Maybe she didn’t want to freak me out. I’m not, though. Just intrigued.
“It’s pretty awesome to see. The person doing the invoking very clearly becomes someone else. Their whole demeanor changes.” Marie explains.
“I can’t wait to see it.”
We go to the circle, where the other women I met last time greet us. Lindsey, Megan, Jessie, and Becca I remember. Another woman is there that I don’t remember, and she’s introduced to me as Kenzie. Just as before, Maia greets everyone with the challenges:
“How do you come to circle?”
“Of my own free will.”
“How do you enter this circle?”
“In perfect love and perfect trust.”
With the circle cast, Maia speaks.
“Good evening and welcome to June Full Moon, as well as Litha!” The women applaud. I join, but late and only get a few claps in. “Otherwise known as Midsummer, or the summer solstice. Today is the longest day of the year. After sunset tonight, each day until the next equinox will have less and less sunlight. This means that each night, the length of moonlight will grow and grow. In honor and service of she who is Goddess, tonight I will be invoking Cerridwen, mother goddess of the world.”
Mother, huh? As Maia tells a mythical story about the goddess Cerridwen, I get lost in my own thoughts. I had been hyperfocused on what it means to be a mother lately. Especially after Heath’s birthday…
{{ Tuesday, April 30 – Bree’s house }}
With Heath’s second birthday falling on a weekday, and Dom being unable to be here for it due to his work schedule, I decided to have a small gathering at home rather than a big party. Amy, Wyatt, Loki, Jaina, Marie, Josh, and Jalyn were in attendance. Amy made cupcakes, Jaina and Loki swam with the kids, and Josh made burgers. It was simple and everyone had a good time. Later in the afternoon after Amy, Wyatt and Loki left, Jaina and Marie were in the kitchen with me helping clean up, while Josh had the kids in the den. They were both tired from swimming and the excitement, but it wasn’t bedtime just yet. I am putting away dishes as Jaina washes and Marie dries.
“So, with everyone else not here to hear me, I gotta say Aunt Bree… its pretty shit that Dom couldn’t even take a day or two off to be here today.”
I sigh. “Yeah, it is. But it’s not like he didn’t try.”
“I didn’t mean shit of him. I meant shit of his bosses.”
“Jay, we both grew up around wrestling. We know as much as anyone that entertainment businesses don’t give a damn about things like that. The show must go on, and whatnot.” Marie rolls her eyes. Her mom had been a wrestler too, one of Amy’s rivals. She and Jaina had parallel childhoods.
“Yeah, I know. I just kept seeing Heath looking around all day, like he was looking for his dad.”
“I saw that, too.” Stabbed me in the heart. But what could I do? “But Dom will video call tomorrow.”
“That’s better than nothing.” Jaina turns the water off and hands Marie the last pot lid. “There, my contribution is complete.” She grins as she dries her hands. Marie dries the lid and hands it to me.
“And so is mine.” She grins.
“Okay, okay. You two go home. Thank you for your help.”
They’re just teasing of course, they offered to stay and help.
I give both Jaina and Marie a hug before they leave. As I lock the door behind them, I hear laughing from the den. Two children’s giggles mixed with a deep chuckle. I go into the den to see what kind of game Josh has them playing. I see both Heath and Jalyn sitting on the floor, across from Josh on the couch. He’s handing them each a ball. He notices me walk in and looks up.
“Decided to join us?”
“Sounds like fun in here. Whatcha doing?”
“Momma, watch!”
“Momma, watch!”
Both kids throw their ball at the same time, and Josh catches them, one in each hand. The kids laugh again. Any other time I would have laughed too, mostly at how amused they were at Josh’s skills. Except I couldn’t do anything other than stare at Jalyn.
She called me ‘Momma.’
I make myself look at Josh, and the look on his face tells me he heard it, too. I wait for him to say something, but he seems to be waiting for me. The kids notice that we’re not laughing with them, and stop. I realize that Josh isn’t going to say anything, so I sit on the floor, close to Jalyn.
“No, no, sweetie. I’m Heath’s momma, not yours. My name is Bree, remember? Can you say that for me?”
Jalyn looks at Heath, then me, confused. It’s not like she’d never said my name before. But something was different. “B… Bwee?”
I smile. Close enough. “Good job!”
“Momma!” Heath insists. Jalyn looks back and forth again, and I wish Josh would say something.
“Bwee!” Jalyn ‘argues’ back. I grin. That’s actually cute.
“Okay, you two. I think it’s time for baths and bed.”
After we get them in bed, Josh and I go to my bedroom to relax. Not necessarily ready for bed, we put movies on sometimes. Or other things. Except this time, I stay sitting up after he sits next to me and makes himself comfortable.
“Can I ask you something?”
“You just did.” He smirks, but I’m not having it and give him a stare. “Okay. Of course.”
“Why didn’t you say anything earlier? When Jalyn said… what she said?”
“I thought it was up to you how to deal with it.”
“Why would it be up to me? She’s your daughter. And as much as I love her and look at her as mine, I’m not trying to replace her mother.”
“I know you’re not. Neither of us are trying to do that, we’ve talked about this. It’s just not my place to decide what she calls you.”
I hesitate, trying to put my thoughts into coherent words. I don’t know what to think here. Maybe she was just repeating Heath? I wonder if she even remembers her mother.
“So… it doesn’t bother you if she calls me momma?”
“I’ll admit it was strange, for a second.” I wonder if Jalyn was even talking yet when Erica was killed, if she had ever called her ‘momma.’ I don’t dare ask. Josh sits up straighter and turns to me. “But here’s the thing. You may not have given birth to her, but you are the main female in her life. That’s what she sees, it’s all she knows. So, to answer your question, does it bother me? No. As long as it doesn’t bother you, I don’t mind at all.”
“Bother me?” I make a sound that’s part laugh, part scoff, with a little cry thrown in. “No. I actually kinda love it. I just didn’t want you to be upset.”
Josh grabs my hand. “Okay then. If you love it, then I love it… because I love you. And clearly so does she.” I smile as he leans in to kiss me.
And just like that… I was Momma to both.
* * * * * {{ Veteran’s Memorial Park }} * * * * *
“And so we give thanks to Mother Cerridwen, for her knowledge, inspiration, and bounty. Blessed be.”
I’m suddenly back in the circle, and repeat the phrase with the group.
“Now, we come to the part of tonight’s ritual where I ask Cerridwen not only to join us, but to do so through me as a vessel through which to speak to you. Everyone please raise your hands.”
Maia lifts her arms up overhead, palms facing skywards. We all copy her pose.
“Now I recite the Charge of the Goddess, written by Doreen Valiente. When I complete it, I will not be myself, but Cerridwen.”
Maia lowers her arms, but we keep ours up. She walks slowly around the circle as she recites, in a voice that doesn’t sound like hers.
“Listen to the words of the Great Mother, Who of old was called Artemis, Astarte, Cerridwen, Diana, Brigid, and by many other names:
Whenever you have need of anything, once a month, and better it be when the moon is full, you shall assemble in some secret place and adore the spirit of Me Who is Queen of all the Wise.
Sing, feast, dance, make music and love, all in My Presence, for Mine is the ecstasy of the spirit and Mine also is joy on earth.
For My law is love unto all beings. Mine is the secret that opens the door of youth, and Mine is the cup of wine of life that is the cauldron of Cerridwen, that is the holy grail of immortality.
I give the knowledge of the spirit eternal, and beyond death I give peace and freedom and reunion with those that have gone before.
Nor do I demand aught of sacrifice, for behold, I am the Mother of all things and My love is poured out upon the earth.
Hear the words of the Star Goddess, the dust of Whose feet are the hosts of Heaven, whose body encircles the universe:
I Who am the beauty of the green earth and the white moon among the stars and the mysteries of the waters,
I call upon your soul to arise and come unto me.
For I am the soul of nature that gives life to the universe.
From Me all things proceed and unto Me they must return.
Let My worship be in the heart that rejoices, for behold, all acts of love and pleasure are My rituals.
Let there be beauty and strength, power and compassion, honor and humility, mirth and reverence within you.
And you who seek to know Me, know that the seeking and yearning will avail you not, unless you know the Mystery: for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without.
For behold, I have been with you from the beginning, and I am That which is attained at the end of desire.”
Maia stops walking, and everyone lowers their arms. Maia looks up and around at everyone, a wistful smile on her face. Although this is only the second time I’ve met her, I can tell that this is not Maia.
“It is good to see you gathered here in my honor, my daughters. It makes my heart happy to see the old rites still performed now, after so many ages have gone by.”
She walks around the circle as she speaks.
“I sense experienced practitioners here, and those new to this path. You are all welcomed. You have called upon me as the Mother, so it is as the Mother I shall speak to you. Each of you entered this space with heaviness in your hearts. Troubles weighing you down, causing you distress. I am here to ease your worries. To assure you of the path you are on. To give you a personal message that will calm your mind and lighten your heart.”
Maia walks up to Kenzie first, and speaks to her in a low voice, so that only Kenzie can hear her. She moves to Jessie, then Marie. Jaina is next, standing next to me. When Maia gets to Jaina, I tell myself not to listen, because it’s not meant for me to hear, but I can hear nothing anyway. Odd, since they’re only a few feet away from me.
Maia then walks up to me with a warm smile. I take a deep breath, nervous but curious as to what she has to say to me. Maia takes both of my hands into hers as she speaks.
“Ah. Bree. Yes, I know your name, you who are finding your way down this path. My message for you is this: The mother you have been concerned with for some time is not troubled or grieved by your actions, and she sends you her blessings, with love.”
“Thank you.” I can only whisper the words. Maia smiles, and lowers my hands before letting go. As she walks to Lindsay next to me, I look up at the clear sky. Could that really have been a message from Erica?
Soon, Maia has spoken to everyone as Cerridwen. She returns to the center of the circle.
“I thank you for inviting me into your midst, but now I return to my realm. I leave you with these words: all of you have a strength greater than you know, and the base of that strength is and always shall be love. Blessed be, my daughters.”
Maia lowers her head, and her whole body seems to drop just a fraction of an inch. I could have imagined it, but I don’t think I did. In that moment, I am as certain that I just saw a deity leave earth as I am that the words she spoke came from Jalyn’s mother.
ON CAMERA
I have a confession to make, Deanna.
When we faced each other last year at Rise to Greatness, I said in no uncertain terms that you did not deserve to be United States Champion. I said that you had the wrong attitude, you were focused on the wrong things, you were demeaning the value of the championship by acting as if your spot on the card was more important than the title itself.
Yet, you managed to beat me. Twice. And here we are almost a year later and you are still United States Champion. Some people might think that would make me upset or bitter, but this is my confession.
It makes me feel better about it all. Because Deanna… I was wrong. You clearly do deserve to be champion. You’ve defended it over and over again since last July and put down every challenger. My mistake was tying your worthiness of being champion to your attitude, your worldview.
Let me make one thing clear, I still don’t care for your attitude. You still speak as if you’re above the rest of us, that you’re somehow a higher standard, that there’s something wrong with you just because you lost a little focus. I think you’ve picked up too many of Selena’s bad habits babe. Are you going to complain that our match at Breakdown isn’t the main event, since it’s essentially a champion versus champion match, whether either title is on the line or not? Or… are you not allowed to do that, because that’s Selena’s thing these days, closing the show no matter what?
Either way, that wasn’t my point. What I’m trying to say… is that the way someone views themselves, or the championship they hold, or their status on the card, doesn’t matter when it comes to who deserves to be a champion or not. All that matters is what happens between bells. There are quite a few people here who have made it very clear that they don’t care how they get their wins… as long as they do. Again, Selena comes to mind. She hasn’t been cheating in the traditional sense, but she has the deck so clearly stacked in her favor with all her clauses and security and whathaveyou, that she might as well just have a set of brass knucks in her tights. But when the bell rings… none of that matters. Because whether anyone likes it or not, she is the World Champion. Whether she uses rules and contracts to her advantage or not doesn’t matter – her ring skills are nearly flawless, and they have been for a long time. It pains me to admit it, but the Truth is always the Truth – she deserves to be the World Champion.
Just as you, Deanna, deserve to be the United States Champion. I will give credit where it’s due, you’ve stood fast against the kind of shenanigans Selena has been pulling since her return. You’ve done your best to uphold the sanctity of the matches you’re in and of the championship you hold. The United States Championship is near and dear to my heart, and despite the fact that you and I disagree on… many aspects of this business… the fact that you are still carrying it nearly a year after taking it from me? Well… that means something.
You’ve proven me wrong, and earned some of my respect.
Some.
You still have this fixation on the main card of Rise to Greatness, of making sure you have the position you want on the card. While your work between bells has proven you to be more than deserving of the championship you hold, you seem to have learned absolutely nothing in the time that you’ve held it. Tanaka says that you’ve lost your focus… I beg to differ. You can’t lose what you never had, babe. You never had the right focus to begin with. I heard what you said to Scott Reed, how you needed to beat him to secure your spot at Rise to Greatness.
To secure your spot.
Not to remain champion for the championship’s sake. Not to continue your reign and make it that much more solid. But to secure your spot. To hold your position.
You are still focused on the wrong things, Deanna. And Jessica Winters, Enigma, or anything else you may be distracted by has nothing to do with that. It has everything to do with your own pride.
I’m not coming to face you to raise myself a little higher to be one match further up the card. That doesn’t matter to me. I am Adrenaline Champion and proud of that, and my position on the card doesn’t raise or diminish that fact.
I’m facing you with one goal in mind. To push you to prove that you can focus and fight with honor even when there’s nothing on the line. Lux Veritatis tells us that the way one acts when there’s nothing to be gained, when the spotlight is not overhead, is the True representation of who one is.
Your talent is what makes you deserving to be a champion, Deanna. But your worldview? There’s still room to grow. Maybe if I defeat you, I can teach you to focus less on status, and more on just being the best you can be, no matter where or when your match is. If you’re good enough – and you are – the spotlight will find you where you are.