Retribution 2023
So... I did a spell.
Or, that's what Amy calls it. To me it just seemed like what she said... a very intense prayer. She gave me a red candle and a little paragraph to say as I light it. It wasn't directed to any specific deity, just the universe. That's what I decided I was more comfortable with, as I don't think I'm ready to try to deal with a specific entity. I had enough of that as a Catholic. Anyway, I don't know if the candle and short incantation really worked, or if it was some kind of placebo effect... but I went on to beat Polly Playtime and keep my title.
James Evans though, was still getting into Liz' business, and therefore my business by association. This all led to me fighting James on Breakdown. The man has an obsession with eradicating violence from wrestling. That's pretty ironic coming from the man who once stalked Amy, tried to seriously injure or kill Ace Marshall in the ring, and sabotaged the chamber cage hoping to injure Syren. So now he's against violence. Well, okay. He wanted to fight clean, so I fought clean. Not that I planned on any trickery anyway, I'm done with that stuff. It's unsustainable. We went back and forth, and in the end he caught me in a roll up. He's bigger than me and I just couldn't get his weight off of me to get out of it. It happens. Luckily for me it was a non-title match. I don't think he wanted my title anyway. Just to prove a point. I assume he thinks he did, but I guess we'll see when he faces Liz at Retribution.
As for me at Retribution? Fatal Four-way. Sigh.
{{ Monday, March 13
Kenner, LA
Bree's home }}
It's late afternoon and I'm just getting home from BOA. I'm still helping Amy out when I have time, which usually means Mondays and Tuesdays. I told her what my Retribution match was; I had been told backstage after Breakdown was over Friday night, although the full card wasn't made public yet. I am facing three other people defending the Adrenaline Championship. Aisling, one of Polly's associates, The One, a fairly dangerous woman who broke Deanna Frost's arm just to make a point, and Penguin... I don't even understand that guy, but he's a former Tag Champion, so I won't overlook him. Amy helped me write a new prayer, incantation, whatever, to use for Retribution. I don't know if I'm gonna do it though – I had kept using the one she gave me before facing Polly and that did nothing against James. Maybe it's all bullshit, like the church. I don't know. I'll think about it.
Anyway, I walk in the door and see Dom in the kitchen, putting away dishes.
“Hey baby.”
He turns and smiles. “Hey you. How was class today?”
“Really good actually. The one trouble maker didn't show up today, and Amy thinks he quit. So it was less stressful.”
“Less stress is always good.” He closes the cabinet and turns to face me. “Speaking of less stress... Nora is here today.”
“She is? Why?” She normally isn't on Mondays.
“Well.... shortly after you left this morning, Lisa called me. The producer for the TV show I read for wanted to do a conference call with the four of us who read that day in LA. So I needed her to watch Nugget while I did that.”
“Oh, yeah I can see that being necessary. How did the call go?”
“You want to sit?” Dom grins.
I set my purse down on the side table and go into the kitchen, leaning on the island. “No... just tell me.”
“Okay. Well, the as-yet-unnamed series has been optioned.”
Ugh. Hollywood talk. “Optioned? What does that mean?”
“Chosen. Picked up. It's happening.”
I gasp. “Oh my gods!” Yeah, I picked up that saying from Amy and Jaina. “Seriously?!” Dom nods, smiling wide. Damn, he's so handsome when does that. “That's amazing babe, I'm so happy for you! I go around the island and give him a tight hug. He holds me just as tight, and kisses the top of my head. I look up, still smiling. “Who picked it up? Like, what network?”
“Streaming, for Paramount.”
“Well, it's not traditional TV, but it's still great!”
He lets me go finally, but still with that smile. “I actually think it's better than traditional TV. The whole season will be filmed and done before it drops. So there won't be any hiatus or being on a super strict deadline to make sure an episode is done on time.”
“Everything about this sounds better and better.”
“I haven't told you the best part.”
“How could it possibly be better?”
Another wide smile. “They've decided to use the New Orleans FBI field office for the setting. It's filming here.”
“You're right. That is the best thing.” We hug again. “You won't be traveling far away from me.”
“No, but I likely won't be going with you, either.”
I pull away and look up at him. “So we'll need Nora for longer than we expected.” We had originally planned to keep her until Heath was a year old, and then I'd feel more comfortable leaving him home with just Dom, or if he had something to do, with Amy or Wyatt or maybe Kelsai, although she's been at shows lately so maybe not. But if Dom is working... then I have to take Heath with me if no one at home can keep him. Damn.
“Probably.”
“Have you told her yet?”
“No, I wanted to tell you the news first.”
I smile. Always thinking of me first. I love that. “That's sweet.” He kisses my forehead. “We should probably talk to her though. What if she made plans for after May?” Heath's birthday is April 30, so Nora's last week was the first week of May.
“You make a good point. Alright, lets go talk to her. She has Heath in the den, I used the library for the conference call.”
I nod and we go towards the den. There's a swinging door between the kitchen and the den that we usually keep propped open, but it's closed right now, probably to make sure no noise carried through the house to the library while Dom was doing business. I push the door open, and Nora is talking to Heath. Before it's halfway open, I hear her words...
“Good job, now come see Momma Nora and let me fix your shirt.”
What?!
I push the door all the way open so hard that it bangs the wall.
“Excuse me, what did you just say to my son?”
“Bree....” Dom has that tone I don't like, when he thinks I'm over reacting.
“No, don't try to shush me, you heard that, right?”
“Yeah.... but-”
Nora stands up and holds her hands together in a prayer-like position. “I'm so sorry, that just came out. I didn't mean anything by it. I guess I just thought I should have a little nickname or something for him, since I'm so close to him.”
“That's fine, but listen to me. My son has one Momma and that's me. Don't ever refer to yourself that way again!” I feel Dom's hand on my shoulder, and I am literally shaking in anger.
“You're right. I'm sorry. What would you suggest? Aunty? Nanny?”
I take a deep breath to calm myself down so I can keep my voice level. “How about just Miss Nora or Nora? You don't need to be known as any kind of familial relation, or godmother type, because you're not one.” Nanny is a term commonly used in the south for a person's godmother. Nora is most definitely not that, as I refused to have Heath baptized to give him one. Nora nods, but I can tell she's upset. Like... super upset, more than she should be.
“Yeah. Okay. I'm sorry. Miss is fine. It won't happen again.”
“It better not. I-”
Dom squeezes my shoulder, and I know he wants me to hush. “We understand you meant nothing by it, but it's important to Bree, so thank you for understanding. That said, I think you're done for the day. Thank you for coming last minute so I could handle work business.”
Nora nods again. “Of course. Thanks for the extra few hours. See you... Saturday?”
“Yes, Saturday morning.” We are going to Dallas a day early because I have an appearance scheduled. I hope I sound calm, because I absolutely am not.
With another nod and tight smile, Nora gives a little wave to Heath, then walks past us, grabs her bag from the chair at the kitchen island, and walks out without another word. I see her pulling out her phone to call an Uber as she shuts the door. I look at Heath, and he seems confused as to why Nora left.
I go over and pick him up, then spin around to Dom, glaring. “You cannot make me believe that didn't upset you!”
“I didn't like it, no. But I don't think it warranted the reaction you gave her.”
“Are you serious? She wants him to think of her as a mother figure. How do we know this is the first time she's said it? She could have been doing this for months when neither one of us is around! She's trying to insinuate herself into our life!” I jiggle Heath a little as I rant, hoping it settles him from picking up my anger.
“Bree-”
“Stop shushing me! I'm serious! Look at how she started calling him Nugget like we do. That was supposed to be a family thing and she just... picked it up. I let that go because you said it made sense because she's around so much, but I will not back down on this! I am his mother!”
Dom sighs, defeated. “Yeah. You are, and I agree she spoke out of line. I just don't think she's doing it maliciously. She just cares about him.”
“Well, I've always had a feeling something was off about her, and all of my alarm bells are going off.” I sigh, and look down at my son. He's looking at me with as much concern as a nearly one year old can muster. I force a smile to him. “It's okay baby, Momma's just a little upset, but it's not your fault. I love you.” I kiss him on his fuzzy head. He leans into me. That always melts my heart.
“Are your alarm bells reacting to something tangible, or are they reacting to your anxiety?”
I glare at my husband. “That isn't fair. You can't brush away my concerns as just a symptom of my mental health issues.”
Dom sighs again. “I'm not trying to do that, and I'm sorry if it came across that way. I'm just asking a legitimate question. I want you to really think about it later, after you've calmed down. Is it a real concern, or is it that paranoia?”
I hate it when he's right. “Okay. That's reasonable. I'll do that later when I do my candle thing.” Dom tries to hide it, but I notice his eyes roll a little. “You don't like it when I do that, do you?”
“I... it's just...”
“Be honest with me. I don't want sugarcoated platitudes.”
Dom nods. “Okay. I like that what you do seems to make you happy and relaxed. I just don't think it actually does anything tangible.”
“So you think it's all fake, like a placebo?”
“Yes. Just like any other religion.”
“Okay. I appreciate your honesty. And I'll admit I'm not a hundred percent sold on it either. But I figure it's worth a try. If it does nothing, what harm comes of trying?”
“Nothing, I suppose. It does relax you, so there's that to it at least..”
“Thank you.” I hand him our son. “Take this. I need a shower now.” I had just come back from BOA after all. Dom takes him and I turn and head upstairs. On the way up I realize we never got around to talking to Nora about after May, with Dom getting this new contract soon. That would just have to wait until I wasn't more in the mood to fire her than extend her position.
I need a scalding hot shower to settle my nerves from this bullshit. I've pointed out so many small things that Nora does or has done that raise red flags to me, yet everyone else says I'm making a fuss over nothing. Am I really seeing something no one else sees, or am I just being paranoid?
* * * * * * * * * *
After my shower, I felt a little better. I am still upset about what Nora said but I'm not full of rage like I was in the moment. Dom wanted me to consider why I reacted that way after I calmed down, so I decide to use the candles after all. Dom had Heath in his room for a nap, and was in the kitchen preparing for dinner. I don't know what he's making and I didn't ask. I like surprises sometimes.
In the library, I have a little space near the fireplace for the candles, up on the mantle so Heath can't get to them when he's crawling (or hopefully soon, walking) around. Amy calls it an altar, but I'm not sure I want to go that far. To me it's just where I have candles to light. I know I'm resisting going all in to what she's trying to teach me, and that's on purpose. I was so deeply entrenched into the Catholic Church for years, and that didn't turn out well at all. At the end when I stormed out of the priests office after he literally called Jaina a whore, I felt betrayed by the whole system. Like I'd wasted so much time and energy in my life on pure fallacies. I don't want anything like that to happen again. Amy says this path isn't like that, there's no demands on how to act, no judgment for just acting human, it's all personal responsibility, which means there's nothing like confession. She says you get out what you put in. But I know myself. I'm a 'go big' person. If I do something, it's going to be wholeheartedly, not halfway. And I just don't want to become blinded by anything in this type of spiritual path, like what happened to me with the Church. So... small steps. I don't have an altar. I have candles on my fireplace mantle.
Right now I have two. A baby blue one and a red one. The blue is meant to help with anxiety, and the red gives strength and courage. I have a handwritten page with a short prayer for both of them that Amy helped me write. My next title defense is against three other people, and historically, I have not done well in multi-person matches. I want to change that. I have to change that if I'm going to keep the championship.
I'm in the library now, the handwritten page in one hand, a lighter in the other. I have only my desk lamp on, on the other side of the room, so it's dim. It makes the candle light stand out more and makes it more relaxing. I take a few calming breaths, then light the blue candle first, and read, my voice low, close to a whisper....
“With the fire of this blue candle, I ask the universe for peace from my anxiety. Light for me the truth of any situation, rather than what my fears twist it to be. Help me understand that my fears are just that... fear, and not reality. The truth is the truth, nothing more and nothing less.”
I watch the flame burn, so steady that it doesn't look like a live flame at all. I don't know if its just the hypnotic effect of watching fire, or the fire and my words doing what I asked, but I do feel calm, relaxed. A drop of wax falls over the side, and I take this as a cue to do the next one. I light the red candle, and whisper the second small paragraph....
“With the fire of this red candle, I ask the universe for the courage to face all challengers in my work. Whether one at a time, or more than one at once. Burn in me the strength to overcome any obstacle, physical or mental, that could prevent my victory. Success is mine, my work has earned it.”
I watch this flame burn too, but it's different than the blue one. It flickers and dances, as if full of energy. I know there's no drafts or breezes in this room causing the flame to move; if there were the blue one would be doing the same thing. I glance at it, it's still steady and motionless. These two candles, that I lit and asked for different things, are burning in different ways. Its almost as if they're trying to prove to me that the energy is real, and not a placebo like Dom thinks and I admit I wondered. There's no logical reason why two candles next to each other should burn so differently. I grin to myself as I watch them both; one steady and calm, the other flickering with energy. In my heart I want to believe it's real. I've always believed in something and the idea of seeing things the way Dom does is unfathomable to me. I could never be okay with the thought that all of us are just here, for no reason, no purpose, with no one or nothing looking out for us. That thought, to me, is much more frightening than the possibility of being blinded by belief again. The blue flame bends over towards me, as if taking a bow. The red one stills for a second, then flickers again. Did they just.... react to my thoughts?
This shit is real.
I grin at them, then take a seat on the soft armchair that's in front of the fireplace. It's meant for comfy reading but right now I'm using it for the meditation technique I got from one of the books Amy gave me. Normally I would play some classical music on low, but I feel like tonight I need quiet. I lean back against the chair, where the head area is cushioned, and close my eyes. It's so quiet in here I would swear I can hear the flames burning. I do the breathing exercise – inhale, one two three, hold.... exhale, one two three, hold. And repeat. Soon, flashes of things I've been worrying about flicker through my mind. Heath smiling, Nora holding him and me glaring at her, then me in a ring with ten other people and feeling defeated before the bell rings, then me getting pinned while another person watches and does nothing to break it up... but the images change to Nora handing me Heath with a smile, Heath sleeping peacefully in his bed. Then back to the ring, me pinning an unknown opponent, my hand being raised in victory while faceless eliminated opponents watch from ringside. Other images fly through but none linger long enough for me to really remember what they are, they just give me the feeling that Heath is healthy and happy, and that I'm stronger than I think in the ring. Then, a realization hits me so hard that I sit up so fast I nearly slide off the chair. I stare up at the candles. They're doing the same thing as before; blue steady, red flickering.
“Holy shit. That's been it this whole time...”
My problem with multi-person matches is all of a sudden so clear and so obvious that I can't believe I didn't see it before. But, that's what happens when you're blinded by your own anxiety or fears. I get up and walk up to the candles.
“Thank you.”
I blow them out, no closer to understanding why Nora's words upset me so much, but...with the feeling that my entire match outlook has changed, and the certainty that it's going to help me at Retribution.
This shit has to be real.
{{ Saturday, March 18
Kenner, LA
Bree's home }}
Since Monday night and my epiphany, I've been lighting those candles every night for about fifteen minutes, just to reinforce the energy, as Amy put it. It makes sense to me, it reminds me of saying the Rosary for 7 nights in a row while petitioning God or Mary for a favor. I'm doing the same thing with the candles, only I'm adding energy to my request to the universe, or whatever deity might be listening and taking an interest in me. I've decided not to choose one, but to open myself up to being chosen. Amy says I'll know and there'll be no questioning it when it happens. She hasn't led me wrong so far, so I trust what she says. Some people might think all of this sounds crazy or like fantasy, but to that I would say think about the Christian story and mythology from an objective point of view. A woman who never had sex had a baby? A man died on a cross but came back to life? It's just as “out there” sounding as the idea of a deity choosing a person to be their student, or that spells work just like prayers do. Why is one accepted by most of the world and the other looked at as insane? I'm sure there are at least a few dozen history books that explain exactly why, and I have an idea, but I don't have time to think about all that right now.
It's mid-morning and we're all getting ready to head to the airport. I have an appearance for SCW as a champion later this afternoon. Luckily a direct flight from New Orleans to Dallas is only an hour and a half. We'll have plenty of time to get there, check in, and unpack before I have to be at the bookstore I'm scheduled for.
Dom is coming with me for Retribution. So far his TV show doesn't have a start date for production so he's able to be there for me. Jaina is already here, we're just waiting on Nora. I offered to have Jaina pick her up, she doesn't live too far from me, but she insisted she'd get here herself. She usually gets an Uber, but sometimes her sister Mara gives her a ride. I've spoken to her a few times, she's a few years older than Nora, with a similar personality.
Dom and I are in the den getting the last of our things together, when Jaina comes downstairs by the smaller den staircase, carrying Heath and his travel bag.
“Alright, this little man is ready to go.”
“He looks ready.” Dom grabs Heath's foot and wiggles his leg. Jaina has him dressed in denim pants, baby Chucks, and a long sleeved SCW t-shirt. We're having an early spring cold snap, probably the last of the season, so I'm glad he got to wear that cute shirt one more time before he grows out of it.
“Do you have everything you need?” I ask with a smirk.
“Yeah, no last minute stops at Walgreens this time.” Jaina smirks. The day we were running late a few weeks ago, Jaina had to run in and get some body wash, as she realized she forgot to pack the bottle she had at home. And the stuff hotels provide makes your skin feel like sandpaper.
“Good.” I grin at her. At the time it just stressed me out more but now it's one of those things to laugh about.
There's a knock on the door, then it opens without waiting for a response. Nora always does that when she comes in, despite the fact she has a key. I had been iffy about giving her one, but Dom made a good point months ago; there may be times when circumstances require her to be here alone with Heath and she'd need a key if they had to leave for any reason, like needing something at the store or pharmacy, or gods forbid an emergency happened. So, I relented. It was just another thing I was worried about for no reason.
Anyway, Nora walks in with a smile on her face, and her backpack she uses for her personal items to travel hanging off her shoulder.
“Hey, I hope I'm not late. Mara was running late because of an accident on Williams Boulevard.”
I shake my head. “Typical. Is it cleared up?”
“Almost. But it's in the other direction so it won't be in our way on the way to the airport.”
“Oh good.” I look around at everyone. “Alright, is everyone ready to go?” I get nods. “Okay, lets pack up. I have to grab something from the library, I'll be right out to get my own bag.”
Everyone starts grabbing things to take to my car. Jaina takes her own, so she didn't bring her bag inside. I go down the short hallway and into the library, I want to grab my Kindle. I always pick it up last and tuck it into my tote bag to take on the plane. I might not have time to read on today's short flight, but I like having it nearby. I see it om the coffee table in front of the couch, and grab it. I turn around, and stop, as Nora is behind me, staring at my candles on the mantle, my handwritten incantion paper propped up behind them.
“Nora?”
She turns to me, startled. “Oh. I wanted to ask if you wanted me to grab you a bottle of water too, but...” She points up at the mantle. “What exactly is that?”
“Candles...?” I don't understand her confusion.
“Yeah, but... they're not scented ones. They're just pillars. And burnt halfway down.”
“So?”
“So.... I guess I just didn't realize you were into that.”
“What, prayer candles?”
“Is that what you call them?” She steps back away from the mantle, and seems fearful of them. Great.
“That's what they are. They help me meditate.”
Nora starts shaking her head. “No, no, no. Bree. I read some of what's written on that paper. You don't know what you're doing. You're inviting evil into-”
I put my hand up to interrupt her. “Stop it. You're the one who has no idea what you're talking about.” I can't believe this is happening.
“Oh but I do. I go to church. I know what's godly and what isn't.”
“Nora.” I take a step closer. “You can't pretend like you didn't know I left the church behind. You've heard me and Dom and Jaina talk about things. I did notice you never joined the conversation, but I know you were listening.”
“I was. And I just assumed you had lost your path and you'd find your way back. I had no idea you were turning to this! Aren't you concerned about your son's soul? Because I am!”
“Hold on right there.” Now I'm angry. “First of all, Heath isn't a year old yet and he wouldn't understand anything religious or spiritual even if I wanted to try to tell him anything. And secondly... I don't pay you to concern yourself about his soul, I pay you to take care of his physical well-being. If you have a problem with what I do with my free time, in my own house, then you are welcome to find other employment.” I have had just about enough of all the red flags waving at me about this woman, but I can't exactly fire her right now, I'm about to leave for a show and I need someone there for Heath. Sure, Dom is coming too, but he'll be at the arena with me, and I can't bring Heath in there during the show, it's much too loud, even backstage.
“I... I... I don't want to do that. I just-”
“If you want to keep working here, then I suggest you keep your attention on what it should be on, which is taking care of a little boy. And don't concern yourself with what I do or don't believe. Are we understood?”
“Yes... yes, we are.” Her tone is hard, which I've rarely heard from her. “Did you want that bottle of water?”
“Yes, please.”
Nora nods, then turns and walks out. I expected her to apologize, as she always does after one of these disagreements. It's striking to me that this time, she didn't. I hold my Kindle tighter as I walk out to grab my bag and tote and meet everyone outside. Am I going to have to worry about Nora not only trying to create a more important place in m son's life for herself, but also the possibility that she's going to try some kind of religious shit, too? Is this some truth the blue candle was trying to get me to see, that Nora really is a little unhinged and I needed to watch her more closely?
I'm erring on the side of caution and assuming yes. I made a mental note to speak to Dom about this later, where Nora wouldn't hear us. Maybe after Retribution. This was a distraction I did not need, and I had a feeling Nora wasn't going to bring it up herself.
I have a championship to retain, and after realizing how I needed to change my mindset on this match, I know I can do it.
ON CAMERA
We open to a shot of four white candles burning. All the same height, each flame gently flickering. The rest of the as-yet unknown room is dark. The shot widens, and we realize the candles are lined up on a wooden side table against a wall, standing on glass candle plates. Pulling back more, and slightly to the right, we see SCW Adrenaline Champion Bree Lancaster sitting in an ornate armchair, signifying that the room is likely a hotel suite. Dressed in black tights and a navy blue sweater, along with Doc Marten boots, Bree looks towards the burning candles rather than the camera. She seems relaxed, serene even. After a few seconds, she smiles and turns towards the camera.
I don't know about everyone else, but I've always found candlelight to be relaxing. There's just something different about several tiny fires lighting the room, instead of a glass or plastic LED bulb. It's warmer, it's.... more natural. I don't know, maybe it's just because I'm a southern girl who went camping a lot as a kid and loved sitting around the bonfire.
Bree shakes her head a little.
Anyway, I'm just thinking out loud. I did set these candles up for a reason though. You'll notice there are four. There's a reason for that, and you probably already know what it is, but just bear with me a little til we get there. I want to talk about something else first.
Lux veritatis.
I've used a similar Latin phrase before, this one means light of truth. To me it represents the idea that no matter how hard one tries, the truth will always come to light. What that truth is, varies greatly. It could be hiding something done, something said, something believed. Sometimes things stay in the shadows for years and years until the light of truth chases away the darkness and reveals everything. This is why we say 'new information has come to light.' Lux veritatis.
Why do I bring this up now? A few reasons, but the one I want to get off my chest first, is James Evans.
Before I say anything else, I do want to congratulate him on his win over me at Breakdown. I have no reason not to, he had me balled up and with the weight advantage, I just couldn't get him off me. I'm not upset about it, he's a former World Champion and there's no shame in losing to the man, he fought fairly.
What I do take issue with, is some of the things he said before our match. He seems to have a problem with the fact I've had a few friends and allies over the course of my career, claiming I 'cling' to them, that I 'use and abuse' the people I claim to care about. But what is the truth?
Bree shrugs.
The only guess I have is that he sees things differently because whatever is going on in his head prevents him from having healthy friendships like that, so seeing others able to do it creates jealousy. I can't think of any other reason someone would think after all this time that I've used Sienna, that I'm using Datura. Let's get one thing clear right now... I don't need other people to keep my name in the spotlight. At the risk of sounding like my old self for a moment... I create my own spotlight. That's what James doesn't understand. I didn't help Datura because I need her, I did it because I wanted to. Because it was the right thing to do. Friends help friends who are in trouble. Having friends and allies in this business isn't clinging to others for relevancy. I mean, for some it can be, but not for me. I'm not the type to use someone in that way. I never have been. I may have done some really despicable things in the past, but in my friendships and relationships, I am always as genuine as possible. This is called having healthy relationships, not 'using and abusing' as James put it. And I will not let James or anyone make me feel bad for standing by my friends. I do wish him luck against Datura... I have a feeling he's going to need it.
Bree glances at the candles as she pauses for a moment, then turns back.
With that said, I need to turn that light of truth around on myself.
For years, I have been wary or even afraid of multi-person matches. I've said it more than once, and anyone who knows my track record can see why. I have rarely been successful in them. There was one six-woman challenge that I won, earning myself a shot at the Women's Championship. There was also a small battle royal where I won a shot at the World Championship. But that's it. This one for the World Championship is where, I think, my issues with multi-person matches began. Firstly, I had to get through a championship series to keep that shot I earned. At the end of that, due to some trickery of Syren and Ravyn, Syren was added to the match I was set to have against Jake Starr. I did not win that match, Syren did. The only thing that kept me going was the fact that I also was not pinned. Those in charge at the time agreed I still deserved a shot because of that, and another match was made... but then Kennedy Street was added in, because it was her that Syren's trickery had messed with.
Another triple threat. Another loss. But that time, I was pinned. And that is where my hatred of non-singles matches began. Ever since then I've tried to avoid them as much as possible. Sure, I've entered Taking Hold of the Flame, I entered the End of the Year battle royal that was turned into a World Championship match, and there have been a handful of others. I didn't always take the fall, but I've won none of them. And let's not forget the Gauntlet, where I lost the World Championship the last time I held it, and was injured in the process.
For a long time, I thought I was just incapable of overcoming those kinds of odds. Every time I would get booked in something like that, I had an almost overwhelming sense of dread from the time I saw the card until the match was over. It was just something in wrestling I was bad at, and there was nothing I could do about it.
Bree shrugs, then grins.
But I was wrong. It's taken me a long time and a lot of self-reflection, facing my own shadow, to realize that I was never incapable of competing with more than one person at a time... I just thought I was. The way a person thinks about themselves and their match has a huge effect on the outcome. Winning a match isn't all physical skill. At least half of it is mental. Your strategy, knowing your opponents style, but also your own mindset, your own confidence. If you walk down that ramp with the thought in your head that you can't do this... then you can't. You've already defeated yourself with your own thoughts. Words have meaning, even the ones you say to yourself, and I would say those especially so.
But what is the lux veritatis? The light of truth?
I am more than capable of being victorious in these types of matches. I just never believed I could. Until now.
I am changing that mindset, I am banishing it. It doesn't serve me, it never has. It was a thought process born out of anger, frustration, and yes, a little bit of humiliation. It's held me back from victories I could have had for too long. In every other kind of match, I have rarely let losing affect me in that way... maybe two or three times ever, in the entire seven years of my career. Yet I let those multi-person losses affect me every single time. Each new loss of one just reaffirmed the idea that I couldn't do it.
Where does this come from? Maybe its some kind of trauma response. A certain situation plays out in an unfavorable way, causing extreme anger, rage, embarrassment. That's a type of trauma. It led me to expect every similar situation to be the same. I simply created a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm breaking the cycle, starting at Retribution.
Bree sits up straighter and leans in towards the camera, a sense of excitement in her words and on her face.
Once I realized what I had been doing to myself, I knew that I couldn't do it anymore. I have to put those things in the past and focus on the now. The match type might be similar but the circumstances are different. Tomorrow night I am defending the Adrenaline Championship against three people I've never faced before. Well, I was opposite Aisling in the twelve person tag at Body, Heart, and Soul, but that was so chaotic that I'm not sure we can really count that. We barely interacted, then. This time I'm sure we'll go at it much more and much harder. Of the Playgirls Three, Aisling is the only one who hasn't held a championship yet. I know she's been trying to put herself out there, show SCW what she can do. At Body, Heart, and Soul she showed some of that by first taking me out on the outside of the ring and then getting a near fall on me. I'm assuming that's what got her placed into this match.
Next, I'll see Penguin in the ring. Look, I'm the first person to admit that the whole penguin head thing... I don't get it. Happy Farmstead Friends... I don't get it. But, I don't have to get it. I just have to look past all of.... that, and see the competitor he is in the ring. And that is, a pretty good one. He is a former Tag Team Champion, and it wasn't a one and done. So I don't want anyone to think I'm not taking him seriously.
Finally, The One. On paper, the most dangerous of the three trying to take my title away from me. I mean, she went into a match with Deanna Frost and broke her arm. The woman has a mean streak and no care for the well-being of anyone else in the ring with her. Luckily for me though... I used to be that way. I'll know a little bit about how she's thinking.
Bree looks towards the candles again, the melted wax has now dripped down on all four to the glass plates they're standing on. The flames unchanged.
These four candles... they represent myself and my three opponents tomorrow night. Notice all of the flames are burning the same, all of them are the same height. The four are equals. The visual might make you think that the four of us are equals, but you would be wrong.
Of the four of us, I have the most experience in the ring. That gives me one advantage. I am going in as the champion, and while normally that would be considered a disadvantage in a match like this, because it means I don't have to be pinned to lose the title. All three of them have great motivation to give this everything they have. Polly Playtime gave me a good challenge, and I don't have any doubt that she will be helping Aisling train, and that Aisling will be motivated to prove herself not only to Polly, but to SCW. Penguin hasn't held a singles championship, and The One? She has, but it's clear that she wants more. That's a lot to be up against.
But... I'm choosing to see this as an advantage. I am the one with the most to lose, so I will be the one fighting the hardest to keep what I've earned. I said I wanted to be a fighting champion, and this fatal fourway is my chance to prove it. Winning this... will be what solidifies me as Adrenaline Champion, holding on to it in the face of three challengers at once.... when history shows that I have never been good at these things. If this match were happening before my maternity leave, SCW would be almost guaranteed a new champion, because I didn't believe I could do it.
I didn't believe in myself.
Bree stands up and stands in front of the candles, the camera adjusting position to follow her.
As the saying goes though, you can't keep doing the same thing and thinking the same way, and expect the same results. Tomorrow night, I'm finally doing something different. I will be walking down that ramp with the title belt around my waist and my head held high, secure in the light of truth – lux veritatis – that I am capable of getting through this and remaining champion, that I can handle facing more than one person at once. That self-doubt is gone. Snuffed out.
Bree uses her fingers to pinch out one of the candle flames.
One by one, I will conquer every fear I've ever had about failing in this situation.
She pinches out another one.
And in the end, I have all the confidence in the universe that I will leave Dallas the same way I arrived this morning.
Bree pinches out a third candle, leaving just one burning bright.
SCW Adrenaline Champion
And that... is lux veritatis.
The shot closes in on the last candle burning, the flame dancing for a few moments before the shot fading out.