Taking Hold of the Flame 2021 #1
{{Thursday, May 20
Mexico City}}
Since I had decided not to let the police put what really happened to me in the report, I also decided I didn't want anyone else to know. If nothing was going to come of it then there was no reason to upset anyone, right? We went to Mexico City a day early, Jaina invited Kelsai again which was fine with me. The only two caveats to my desire to keep things to myself was, Dom insisted on telling Lisa and Marco. Lisa was also my agent now and he made the argument that she should be informed just in case it somehow got out so she wouldn't be blindsided. And Marco is the man I pay to protect me, so that also made sense. I allowed Dom to speak to them. I refused to answer any questions or talk about it though. I wanted to just forget it. I should have known better than to think I could get anything past Scott, though. He noticed Dom and I not walking close or sitting together on the divan on the plane and when we got to the hotel he pulled me aside and asked me what was wrong. He thought Dom and I had a fight, but when I pulled away from him trying to take my hand, I saw it click in his eyes. He asked. I just nodded. I let him take my hand for a few seconds, but that was all I could stand. Scott promised to keep it to himself. I wondered how long I could realistically keep everyone from finding out.
I didn't have time to focus on it though, I was scheduled for a meet and greet with fans. Thankfully there was a table between me and them and I told security that one, I needed my own man Marco there, and two, I didn't want anyone coming around the table for pictures or hugs or whatever. They just took it as “typical Bree shit” and complied. All I did was sign pictures and smile as people leaned on the table, far enough away from me that I didn't feel uncomfortable.
Today, Breakdown though? I have to get in the ring. With a man. The man who holds the championship I declared I was going to save.
But who is going to save me?
* * * * * * * * * *
After my match was over, Dom met me at gorilla, as he always does when he comes to a show with me. I was in no mood to be comforted though as I walked right past him, holding the back of my head. Cid had dropped me directly on it, right after flinging me face first into the corner. I gave everything I had and in the end it wasn't enough. I wasn't sure what was more sore, my head or my pride. Not that I had much of that left to begin with. I saw Dom give Scott a look, and he just shrugged. The three of us went to my locker room in silence. Marco was posted outside my door as usual. I barely heard him tell Dom that Jaina and Kelsai had left, headed for the hotel. I went inside and had a quick shower, changing into loose black track pants and a baggy gray t-shirt, my wet hair pulled back into a low ponytail.
When I come out, Scott had my things packed and ready, and Dom has his phone in his hand, looks like texting.
“Can we go now?”
Dom looks up, putting his phone away. “Of course. Feel any better?”
“Well I'm not sweaty now, so I guess so.”
“I'll grab Marco and go get the car. Your things are ready.” Scott gestures to my rolling bag.
“Right behind you. Thanks, Scotty.”
He leaves, leaving the door open for us to follow. I grab the handle of my bag, and Dom steps back for me to walk out first. I don't get very far though, as I take one step out the door, I am approached by Chris. I step back a bit. This is exactly what I don't want, I feel cornered.
“Bree... have a minute?”
“We were just leaving, but okay....”
“I won't keep you long, I'm sure you'd like to get back and rest. I Just wanted to say you looked great out there, you shouldn't-”
“What, feel bad? I know you mean well but please don't try to placate me.”
Chris sighs. “I'm sorry. I was just trying to-”
“Make me feel better, I know. But nothing can do that right now.”
“Not even a hug from a friend?” Chris doesn't wait for an answer before stepping closer to put an arm around me, a motion that would have been perfectly fine a few days ago, considering we had put the past behind us and reconnected our friendship. But that was before Monday. I back away, actually bumping into Dom who was behind me. I notice him move back quickly as I put my hand up between myself and Chris.
“Please don't do that....”
Chris looks her up and down, confused. “Sorry, are you hurt?”
“No... I'm just not in the mood to be coddled. It happened, it's done. Please give Sienna a hug for me?” Chris nods. “Thank you. I really don't want to be rude, but I also really want to leave.”
“Of course. Take care.” I force a smile and he steps aside to let me by.
Dom starts to follow, but I don't look behind me, I just assume he's following me all the way to the talent exit door. When I get there and turn to say something to him, I see he's several feet behind me. I assume he and Chris spoke a moment or two. I didn't care. When Dom catches up with me, I open the door and we walk out. Marco was waiting for me, and Scott was just pulling up with our rental.
We rode back to the hotel in silence.
* * * * * * * * * *
Once we get back to the hotel, Marco walks us up to our suite, Scott following behind with my bag. I wouldn't have minded pulling it myself, but he insisted. Marco went in ahead to check the room as usual, then he and Scott left, wishing us good night. I watch as Dom locks and deadbolts the door, then I relax, sinking myself into the couch in the sitting area. I had booked this suite weeks ago, intending for Jaina to use the second bedroom. But she and Kelsai were sharing a room one floor below, as Jaina offered to do when she invited Kelsai to come with us. Worked out just fine because now Dom would be using the second bedroom and Jaina was not here to ask questions about it. I kick my shoes off and put my feet up on the coffee table, my arms crossed, holding myself. Dom sits in the chair next to the couch.
“You've been unusually quiet.”
“Have I?”
“Yeah.... you're usually more angry after... well...”
“Losing? You can say the word. I lost.”
“Yeah. Losing. But not just that. When we were leaving the arena, Chris held me back a minute and asked me about you, he's concerned.”
“Why, because I lost?”
“No... because you avoided him like a virus.”
“Oh...” I hug myself tighter, looking away. “What did you tell him?”
“Nothing. Just to have Sienna call you.” I nod. “You didn't answer my question.”
I look back up. “No. I am not okay. You know... I am not okay. And honestly, I don't think I will ever be okay.”
I don't believe that. You'll-”
I keep talking, ignoring him. “I couldn't even keep my word to everyone to end the farce of Cid allowing Asher and Holly to make a joke out of the World Championship. I needed that title back, Dom. Not for me, but for the company, for the fans. For the first time in a long time I wanted to do something for everyone else, and I couldn't do it. If I can't even do my job properly, how is anything else supposed to be okay?”
I pull my legs off the table, then lean over, covering my face with my hands. I didn't want to cry again, I am so tired of crying. But I can't help it. I feel movement on the couch and know Dom moved to sit near me, but not too close. It saddens me how quickly he learned that I can't stand anyone close to me anymore.
“Maybe you should have asked to postpone the match?”
I shake my head, then wipe my face off as I pull my hands away to look at him. “No. That psychopath took enough from me, I wasn't going to let him take wrestling, too.”
“Just pushing it back a week wouldn't have taken anything from you. Just given you a chance to rest. I'm sure D wouldn't have had a problem with it.”
“I would have had a problem with it! What would I have done otherwise, huh? Sat at home with nothing else to do but let that horror movie replay itself in my head over and over and over again? No. I can't do that. I have to keep life going. I have to train, I have to work. I have to do anything other than let this take over my life. I had to fight, don't you see? Fighting is what saved me when he wanted to kill me. It's what's will keep saving me until that day isn't the last thing on my mind before the sleeping pills knock me out and the first thing on my mind when I wake up, before I realize I am actually in my bed and not that Godforsaken studio.”
Dom sighs. “Okay. I understand. I just-”
“Do you? I know you're trying to and you're doing the best you can, and I love you more than I can ever say for it, but I don't think it's possible for you to truly understand.”
“You're right. It's not. I feel like I'm twisting in the wind here, I have no idea what I'm doing. All I know is you're upset and hurting and I want to make it stop, but I can't.”
I'm not sure anyone ever really thinks about the loved ones of women who get assaulted like I did. Obviously it's hard on us, but on top of dealing with my own trauma, I hate what this is doing to Dom, too. I know it hurts him that he can't comfort me. I see his hand resting on the couch between us, and I force myself to reach over and grab it, squeezing. He squeezes back. It's the first physical contact we've had since he ran into that studio days ago and hugged me, crouched on the floor. And it's all I can do to make myself not let go.
“I know you want to do more, be closer... we've always been that way, sometimes your hug is the only thing that can calm me down. I wish I could let you, I want to.... but I can't.... I'm sorry...” I pull my hand away from his and cover my face again. I couldn't stand it any longer.
“You don't have to keep apologizing for that. I do understand that much.” I can hear a crack in his voice and it hurts almost as much as the fact I could barely stand to hold his hand for fifteen seconds. “I just wish there was something, anything, more I could do for you.”
I look up again, and force a smile. “You're doing exactly what I need you do to. I know you're here, I know I am safe with you, and you're giving me the space I need. I hate it... but I need it.” More tears fall down my face. I don't bother to wipe them off, I'm weary of it.
“Okay. Just please tell me if there's anything else I can do.”
“I will. I promise. Right now, all I want is some tea and bed.”
“Should I make the tea?”
I could have done it myself, but he wants so badly to do anything for me. “Okay.”
After making the hot tea, Dom sets it on the coffee table, so that I can grab the mug handle. I take it, and Dom stands there a moment, scratching the back of his head.
“Alright... I guess I'll go to bed then.”
“Me too.” I stand up and go towards my bedroom door. Dom turns towards the other bedroom.
“Good night, then. I love you, Bree.”
“I love you.”
I watch as Dom goes into the room and gently shuts the door. The quiet click makes me cringe. I stand there, holding the tea he made me and staring at his door, crying again. I wish more than anything it didn't have to be this way, but the few seconds I made myself hold his hand made my skin crawl, there was no way I could have let him in bed with me.
Enduring the assault itself was nothing compared to enduring this.
{{Saturday, May 22
Kenner}}
It's mid morning and I am trying to take the day as a workout day for myself. I didn't feel like going to any gym though, I was still upset with myself about not beating Cid Turner and I didn't want to deal with people constantly trying to make me feel better. So, my plans for today are cardio in the morning, a light lunch, then swimming some laps in the pool. I am currently on my treadmill, about halfway through my ten-mile setting. I have music playing over headphones as I run almost full speed. I would never do that on a treadmill at a gym, but this one is mine, I'm familiar with it and feel safe doing it. I guess I could have gone for a run on the levee, but that would involve people, and I didn't want to people today. I was enjoying the music, a playlist I made of 90s and 2000s pop, when Britney's “Toxic” is interrupted cause my phone is ringing. I grab the treadmill handles and set my feet on the sides rather than stopping the belt, as I check my phone. It's Sienna. Sighing, I press 'end' on the control panel, then answer.
“Hey babe.”
“Hey sweetie... are you ok, you sound out of breath.”
“I am... I was running. Treadmill.”
“Oh. Do you want to call me back?”
“No, no. It's fine. I shut it off. I can talk.”
“Good. First, sorry I didn't call sooner, I figured you'd want some time after Breakdown.”
“It's fine. Yeah, I just took the day to rest after we got home.”
“Good, you should be resting. You've had a rough week.”
“You could say that.” My breath starts to become more normal. I sit on the weigh bench and open my water bottle.
“Bree, I'm going to be up front with you, I am concerned. You seemed to be handling things well when we spoke on Tuesday, but after talking to Chris yesterday, I'm worried about you.”
“Why? What did Chris say?”
“He told me how you backed away from him as if you were afraid when he tried to give you a friendly hug. I thought you had worked things out?”
“We did... I just wasn't in the mood, babe. I had just been dropped on my head and pinned.”
“He said that's what Dom said when he asked about you, but then Dom told him to have me call you. It just seems like there is something else wrong, you're not acting like yourself and Dom sent that message?”
“I don't know what to tell you babe, I was upset about the match. I-”
“Bree. I know you better than most, and I know you are a terrible liar. I feel like there is something about Monday you're keeping to yourself. The news said that man worked with Crane, did he say something else?”
“Sienna....” I had been having such a good morning.
“Did he do something else? That's it, isn't it? Something else happened and he threatened you to not say anything. Bree....”
I sigh. I didn't want to lie to my best friend, she deserved the truth. But I couldn't explain. I couldn't say it. “I can't, okay? Can.... can you talk to Dom?”
“I suppose so, but... Why?”
“I will tell him to tell you. Everything. I just.... I can't.”
“Alright....” Sienna's tone sounds even more worried than before. I'm not sure why, it's already done.
I walk from the gym room through the library and around to the den, where Dom is sitting on the couch with his feet up, reading what looks like a script.
“Baby?” He puts the papers aside and sits up. I hold out my phone to him. “It's Sienna. Can you tell her?”
He takes my phone, slowly, giving me a look. He knows what I mean. “Are you sure?”
“Please. I can't.”
Dom nods, and puts my phone to his ear. “Hey Sienna.... yeah, not too bad, you? Good... Yeah, I'll tell you, I just hope you can handle hearing this...”
I leave the room and head upstairs. I didn't want to listen to Dom give Sienna details, and I didn't feel like working out anymore, either.
I have a quick shower, realizing that if I do swim later, I'll just have to have another one. I sit on the couch at the foot of the bed, with my legs curled under me. I could have put the TV on I guess, but Donatella jumps up and lays next to me. I distract myself petting her. I don't know how much time goes by before there's a knock on the door. I had left it half open so I see Dom there when I look up. I wave at him to come in. He walks over and hands me my phone back.
“How did she take it?”
“Not very well. She's angry and hates that she isn't in any condition to go to the jail and kick his ass.”
I laugh, dry. “Sounds like her. Did you tell her she can tell Chris?”
“I did, I figured you wouldn't mind.” I nod. He was the one who noticed me not being myself. “She's also worried about you. She agrees with me that you should have let the cops-”
“I already told you why I can't.”
“I know, I was just repeating what she said. I told her your reasoning. She doesn't like it, but she gets it.”
“Thank you for talking to her. I hate that I had to put you in that position, but I couldn't,”
“Of course. Anything for you.” I look up, and he's smiling. “Do you need anything?”
“Not right now. I think I just want to sit here by myself for a little while. With Tella.” She perks her ears up at her name.
“Okay. Let me know when you're ready for lunch, I'll do some BLTs or something.”
I nod, and Dom grins before walking out.
I adjust my feet on the couch to stretch out instead of being curled up. Tella complains a bit but settles in between my legs and the back of the couch. My phone buzzes. I look and it's a text from Sienna.
I grin at the screen. I could have said more but the kissy face was enough for now. I glance out the bedroom window to the backyard, where I can see the pool. Maybe I'll have that swim after all.
{{Tuesday, May 25
Gretna
BlackOut Academy}}
It had been over a week since I was attacked, and I was determined to get my life back to normal. Or, as normal as I could make it anyway. A few months ago, I came to Amy's school to speak to her class, and she asked me to come in when I had some free time and work with one of her students, a young man named Spencer Pryce. I had done so at least once a week since... except last week. Amy said Spencer understood and he was fine waiting until I felt up to it. But I worked Breakdown a few days ago so there was really no excuse for not showing up today.
When I get upstairs to the academy, Kara and Shane are in the ring. I give Amy questioning look from across the room. She walks over to me.
“They were bored at home with the kids. I needed help since I can't get back in there just yet, Jason is out of town, Jeff is busy downstairs working with D'Nae for their matches with GCW this weekend... and Simon can't run the whole class by himself. So, they're helping this week.”
Amy had a procedure done to her bad knee about six or seven weeks ago, and she was still in PT for it. She could observe and instruct, but she couldn't get physical yet. Once it's fully healed though she'll be able to do more than she could before, so she thought it was worth it.
“You think they'll end up staying on?”
“I hope so. I know Kara doesn't like to be idle for long. I can tell she's loving this.”
I turn to the ring, and see Shane leaning in the corner while Kara and a male student trade hip tosses. He's almost twice her size but she's flinging him around like it's nothing.
“I see she hasn't lost much strength despite being retired for a few years.”
“Carrying kids around will do that.” Amy grins.
Just then, I see Spencer sliding out of the ring. He must have just seen me. He jogs over, then holds his hand up for a high five for me. Nope. He laughs.
“Gonna leave me hanging then? I see how it is.”
“Oh... I'm sorry... I didn't even notice. I was watching Kara.”
Spencer looks back at the ring a second, then turns back to me and Amy. “Right, she's amazing. I didn't expect her to be able to still go like that. Neither of them, really.”
“Shane has come back from worse than child-rearing retirement.”
“Yeah I remember. Crazy fuck. Anyway Bree.... are you sure you're cool for this today?”
“Absolutely. Let me just go change.”
Spencer nods and jogs back to the ring.
“Bree... are you really sure?”
“Why does everyone keep asking me that? I had a match in Mexico a few days ago for God's sake!”
Amy nods, crossing her arms. “Mhmm. I watched it. You weren't you.”
“What, cause I lost?”
“Well, that. But-”
“Amy. I am fine. Really.”
“Alright. I just don't want you to be pushing yourself unnecessarily.”
I feel a hand on my shoulder, and nearly jump out of my skin, yelping as I spin around.
“Whoa... didn't mean to startle you. Sorry.” Wyatt gives me a sheepish grin.
“It's okay... we were just talking, and I... sorry.” I rub the spot on my shoulder he touched.
“No, my fault. I shouldn't have come up behind you like that, after last week. I'm just glad to see you.”
Wyatt moves in to hug me, but I back away. “Sorry, I have to go get ready to work with Spencer.”
I hurry off, but I did catch the look of confusion on his face.
“Bree! What...”
“Let her go.” I heard Amy say to him as I hurried to the locker rooms.
Fucks sake, I can't hug my brother?!
I splash water on my face to keep myself from crying, this time in anger. This is getting ridiculous and I need this to stop!
* * * * * * * * * *
After getting changed I meet Spencer in the second smaller ring that Amy had added to the academy a few months ago. In the main ring Shane was now working with the other students and Kara comes over to me and Spencer.
“Hey babygirl. Need a hand?”
“Not really.... but I'd like it.”
She and I take turns running drills, and then move to submissions, as Spencer and I usually do. Every time I work with him, we practice a different one, switching who holds and who tries to escape. Today though I didn't think I could do that, being held down and struggling to get out of it? No thank you. So. I asked Kara to work with him instead, practicing a rear naked choke, using the excuse that with a third person I could watch and see his form better, and give advice that way. They bought it. We spend the next hour going over things, and by the end of it, I think Spencer actually improved his hold, which is saying something because he was pretty good at it already. After shaking my and Kara's hands, he goes back to the rest of the group in the main ring. Kara and I sit on the apron of the ring.
“How have you been, really? Don't give me the fluff 'I'm fine” routine, either. I saw you when Wyatt went up to you.”
“He just startled me, babe. I am fine.” Kara gives me a raised eyebrow. “I mean... I'm a little jumpy, obviously. I'm sure that will take some time. But I'm really okay.”
Kara studies me a few seconds, then nods. “Okay. You know how I worry.”
“Yes I do, if you weren't acting like mother hen I would think something was wrong with you.”
We laugh, and hop off the apron. “Well, it was super fun to work with you Bree, I can't tell you how much I missed doing this shit. Imagine.”
“I knew you did, you're just like any other wrestler. You can try to quit, but you won't succeed.”
“Perhaps. I won't compete again, but this? Maybe I could get used to doing this.”
“I bet Amy would love that.”
“Oh I think she's hoping for it.” Kara laughs. “I should get back. Come work with us more!”
“I plan to. I'm hitting the shower.”
After my shower, I come out of the locker room and see Amy and Kara speaking in a corner. Kara looks worried, and Amy nods, listening. She crosses her arms, then shakes her head. In doing so, she sees me. She turns back to Kara, they speak briefly again, then Amy walks off, in my direction. I busy myself packing my bag up as she comes up.
“Hey... Kara said you guys had some fun.”
“Yeah, we did. I wish I could stay longer and maybe help with everyone, but-”
“Before you go... can we talk a few minutes? In my office.”
“Uh... okay. What's wrong?”
“Let's just go in the office.”
I shrug, and follow Amy to her office. She shuts the door. Unlike most offices, Amy's doesn't have visitors chairs across the desk from hers. Instead, her desk faces the wall, and the other chairs are against the other wall, so that when Amy sits in her desk chair, she can spin around and speak to whoever is seeing her without anything between them. It's more.... informal. I like it. I sit and Amy takes her seat.
“Okay, what is this about?”
“To be blunt, you. You know me, I don't do small talk if it's something important, and honestly? You have a lot of people concerned.”
“Like who?”
Ignoring my question, Amy continues. “I want you to know I'm not going to pressure you to give me direct answers or explanations if you don't feel up to it, but you do need to know that I recognize what I'm seeing with you, the way you're reacting to people. And-”
“What do you mean?” Her speech sounded rehearsed, she used her 'shelter' voice. I know what she means but....
“Okay. I've noticed several things just today. Unless you're in the ring actively working with someone, you won't let anyone touch you. You jumped about a foot when Wyatt touched your shoulder and then you wouldn't let him hug you. Also, Kelsai told me a few days ago that when you all were in Mexico, she saw you keeping your distance from everyone, Dom, Scott, your bodyguard. And Jaina... well, don't get mad at her but she told me that at home, Dom has been sleeping in another bedroom.” I look away, down. I had no idea Jaina had noticed that. She'd only been in the house once since that day, to get a certain outfit out of her closet. She must have seen the guest room door open and some of Dom's things in there. Dammit! “I'm almost certain I know what's going on here, and like I said... you don't have to say anything, you can just nod or whatever, but please don't lie to me. That man last week did something worse to you than just cut your throat with that knife, didn't he?” I can't move. "Were you raped?"
I can't make myself look up. Instead I squeeze my eyes shut at hearing that word. She said I didn't have to answer, but I don't need to. Somehow she knows. “How did you know?” My voice is barely audible, even to me.
“I know what I see, Bree. I see it almost every day at the shelter. Hell, I lived it. You know that.” I nod, I had actually almost forgotten about Amy's own experience, over ten years ago. I was a teenager at the time. “I won't ask you to tell me one thing about it if you don't want to, okay? I just want you to know that I am here for you if you want to, or need to, talk to someone.”
I hadn't wanted to tell anyone for two main reasons. One, I didn't think I could make myself actually say the words. So far I haven't had to, everyone who knows knew something wasn't right with me and asked. But the other reason was, I didn't think anyone would be able to understand. I know Sienna had some not-so-nice experiences in the past but I don't know if any of them were like mine.... but Amy? I knew she had. I guess I blocked it out. If anyone would understand me right now, she would. I make myself look up at her. She looks sad, but loving at the same time.
“Can I ask you something? About your.... yours?”
“Of course.”
I take a deep breath, I really want to do this without crying yet again. “How long was it before you could let your husband touch you?” Amy was married to Dustin Diablo at the time, Loki was just a baby.
“Well... that kind of thing wasn't a problem for me, because I didn't remember what happened for a while. Once I did remember, he was he only person that made me feel safe. It was other men that made me jumpy, because I didn't know who attacked me. But everyone, every attack, is different.”
“I'm afraid I'll never be able to let Dom get close to me again.” I wrap my arms around myself, I can't believe I said that out loud. I hadn't even said that to Dom.
“I don't believe that. It may be different for everyone, but eventually everyone does start to heal. Some take longer than others, but with you two? There's so much love there than I can't imagine it being very long.”
“He's really too good for this world. Amy. He didn't ask for any of this, even less than I did, and he's been so patient. But... I can't... I mean, Jaina told you.” I swallow hard. I will not cry, Goddammit!
“Maybe you feel unsafe around most people because the man wasn't charged for it, did you tell the police?”
“They know, but I asked them to leave it out of the official report.”
“What?” Amy looks just as confused about that as everyone else had been. I hate that no one understands.
“I didn't want it to go public. You know it would have because I am a public figure. And the only way to keep it out of the news was if I didn't officially report it.” Amy starts shaking her head and opens her mouth to say something, but I keep talking so she can't. “I couldn't handle reading or hearing about it every day.”
“Okay... I understand that, being a celebrity adds a later of complication to this that most survivors don't have to deal with. I don't want to put any pressure on you Bree, I really don't, but I also want you to consider the idea that maybe because you are a public figure, makes it more important for you to see to it that he's held accountable for everything he did to you. Make an example out of him, you know?”
“Why does that have to be my responsibility? Why can't I just let this go?”
“You can certainly do whatever you want to do, babygirl. It's your experience, you're entitled to handle it your way. But consider this, only being charged with Aggravated Assault means he'll only get six months in jail, maybe a year if the judge wants to give him the maximum because of who you are. If you report-”
I hold my hand up to stop her. “I know, it would be something like forty years. The police explained everything to me when I made my statement. I just can't handle it, Amy. Look at what the media did to me over some pictures. Imagine what they'd all say about this... I can't do it.”
“They were pretty rough about the pictures, I will give you that. But the media isn't nearly as harsh to rape survivors as they used to be, not after the Me Too movement.” Amazingly I didn't flinch at the word. I guess I'm getting used to it.
“I understand that, but I just can't. I can't even say it. Like just now with you, you asked and I confirmed. The cops and EMTs, they asked me questions and I said yes or no. Dom, I just nodded. Scott, another nod. Sienna called me, I gave the phone to Dom. I couldn't even say it to my best friend....” Fuck. I cover my face with my hands, I held out as long as I could but I can't stop myself from crying anymore. I hear Amy get up and sense her shadow standing over me.
“Is it okay if I hug you?” I nod, I can't speak. She's a woman, it's fine. It's not lost on me that she knew to ask before trying. Amy puts her arms around my shoulders, in an uneven hug since she's standing and I'm sitting. I wrap my arms around her waist and bury my face into her side like a child. It reminds me of being an actual child, back when I thought she was my real sister and that she made the sun rise. She puts her hand on the back of my head and runs her fingers through my hair.
“I won't say anything else to push you about it, but I do really want you to consider it. Can you do that?”
“Okay.” I don't know if I mean it, but I don't want to upset her. She's trying to help.
“I'm here for you either way, okay? And if you do change your mind, I will go with you to talk to the police again, if you want me to. Doesn't matter what else I'm doing that day, you call, I will drop it and I'm there for you. Okay?”
“Okay. Thank you. I'll.... I'll think about it.” This time, I do mean it. So far everyone who's given me an opinion thinks I should. Dom, Sienna, now Amy. They're probably right. I'm just terrified of the media making me relive it every day.
Terrified.
We hug a minute or so more, and I force myself to calm down. Finally I pull away, and I see I left a damp spot on Amy's shirt. I'm sure she doesn't care. She backs away and sits again.
“Thank you for telling me the truth.”
“I mean, you knew.”
“I did, but you could have denied it. I know how hard it is to acknowledge it, I just wanted to recognize that, I'm glad you trust me enough to do that.”
“Of course I trust you, you're you.” I manage a weak grin.
“I do have to ask, am I keeping this to myself, or....?”
“You can tell Wyatt, if that's what you're asking me.” She nods. “I just don't want to be around when you do, I don't want to see his face.”
“Okay. I will talk to him at home.”
I thought came to mind. “Actually.... would you talk to Jaina, too? I She probably thinks Dom and I had a fight or something, with him using the other room. I just can't...”
“I will.”
We both stood up and hugged again, properly. As much as I hadn't wanted anyone to find out, I had to admit I felt a lot better after speaking to Amy. Maybe it's because unlike Dom, I know she truly understands, because she's gone through the same thing. Or, maybe I was wrong to try to keep everything in. Whatever the reason, things seemed just a little bit easier to deal with as I drove home.