Breakdown 1-11-24 #1
November 18
Santa Barbara
Drake's condo
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The weekend after Under Attack, Drake came to his Santa Barbara condo to stay the weekend and see me. We'd decided on Friday night for me to stay over, because we were expecting a busy Saturday at the club and I'd be needed there. Drake hadn't forgotten that I'd asked to pick his brain about my 'daddy issue,' but true to his nature, he didn't jump right into it when I arrived. Instead, we had a good steak dinner, then sat in the den in front of the fireplace. Drake doesn't have a TV here. Which doesn't bother me at all because we're usually otherwise occupied anyway.
With whiskey in hand, I sat with my bare feet up on the coffee table. It probably cost a few thousand, but my feet were clean. Drake was next to me, seated angled towards me on the end of the couch, kinda leaning on the arm.
“Feel like letting me pick your brain now?”
“I was curious as to when you would get around to that.”
“I just wanted to relax with you first. This helps.” I swished the whiskey in my glass a little before taking a sip.
“It usually does. Pick away.”
I took a deep breath, considering where to start. “Okay. Well, I told you the test results, right?”
“Yes, about your biological father.”
“Okay. So, Nate keeps asking me about talking to him, telling him. And... honestly, I'm afraid to.”
“Why is that?” Drake sipped his whiskey casually, as if he was asking why I wanted the steak for dinner.
“According to my mom's letter, he has no idea I exist. I mean... that a child of his exists. Obviously he knows me....” I shook my head, I was getting lost in semantics. “Anyway. He'd been cheating on Debbie with my mom. That's why she didn't tell him and just ghosted him. So, taking this to him isn't just saying 'hey foster dad, you're actually dad.' It's exposing an affair. One he's probably forgotten about. So I'd be ruining Debbie's vision of her husband, and for what? To ease my mind?”
“Why is that not a valid reason?”
“I... it just seems selfish to potentially ruin a nearly forty year relationship just because I wanted him to know he donated half my DNA.”
“Did he not make the choice to involve himself with your mother?”
“Yes, obviously. But-”
“Then if there are any consequences from that choice, they are at his feet. Not yours. It doesn't matter if those consequences appear thirty-five years later. You didn't ask to be born.”
I looked down into my whiskey. It was nearly empty, and I didn't want to finish it yet.
“No, I didn't.” Fuck it, I thought, and drank. “I remember you didn't know your parents until you were older, how exactly did that work?” I knew he wouldn't mind me asking.
“The parents who raised me told me the truth when I was a teenager. Fifteen or so. They thought it was time. I didn't speak with my mother until some later.”
“And your father?”
“That... was more difficult. My mother did not want to reveal to me who he was. Eventually I pressured her enough that she relented. We've met. We don't speak much. I remain in contact with my mother, though.”
“Okay. So let me ask you this... before you met him, did your father know you existed?”
Drake sighed. “Yes. Yes, he did. My mother was essentially forced to give me away by her husband. I, too, am an affair product. Mason didn't want the world to know his wife betrayed him, and wanted all evidence of it out of his life. That included me.”
“Why does that not surprise me?”
Shrugging, Drake finished his drink, as well. “The man is infamous for many reasons.” Drake got up, and reached for my glass. “Refill?”
“Please.” I handed it to him and he went into the kitchen. We kept talking as I turned and watched him pour. “Do you regret any of it? Finding and meeting them?”
“No. I am not terribly impressed with my father, and my mother and I have had our troubles, but I am glad to have found them. You should understand that much, you searched for your mother.”
“I thought my mother was dead. I searched for her family. I just ended up finding her, too. But I know what you mean.”
Drake walked back to me with fresh drinks and handed me mine before sitting back down. I resumed my position with my feet up.
“So you think I should just tell him?”
“I do. Even if the outcome isn't what you'd like, it's usually better to know, than to live with regret. That's something you taught me.”
I smiled. “Maybe you're right. Nate says the same thing. I don't understand why he's so willing to upend his parent's lives, though.”
“You are his sister, and he wants to acknowledge that. Perhaps, he also knows your father better than you do, and believes everything will go well.”
“That's what he says. And that's what I hope. But....” I didn't think I had to continue. Instead, I drank.
“But, you are afraid. You don't have to tell me of what. Being rejected. That has always been your fear.”
“Isn't it justified this time though? He has no idea he got my mom pregnant and I'm sure never told Debbie about her. Imagine being his age and finding all of this out.”
“It will be a shock, there's no denying that. But Kandis.... ask yourself this. Would you rather continue life as it is, with this knowledge, and never know if he'd accept you as his true daughter, or risk the small chance of rejection by just telling him the truth?”
“Small chance? You really think so?”
“The man took you into his home and raised you as his own, and continued to support you after you became an adult, to this day. I would be very surprised if he reacted as badly as you fear.”
“Are you sure you haven't talked to Nate?”
Drake grinned. “I have not. But if we are both giving you similar advice, maybe trust us instead of your fears.”
“Maybe.” I had more whiskey. This would have to be my last glass if I wanted to be in the right state for sex later. “I just have no idea how to even approach him with this.”
“I can't offer advice on that. Meeting my mother I had Loretta at my side for support. Meeting my father was set up by mother. Both were something I wanted to do. You are hesitant. I can't relate. What I can tell you, firstly is that you also have your brother at your side.”
“Since the day I met him, he's been there.”
“But more importantly, you are one of the strongest people I know. Each and every challenge you've been faced with, you tackled head on, and persevered no matter the outcome. I see no reason why this would be any different. I have faith in you that you can handle it, and you should have faith in yourself, too.”
“You know that's hard for me when it comes to all this family and relationship stuff.”
“I'm aware. But I also know that you always eventually find a way to express yourself. As you did with me.”
I couldn't help but laugh. “As difficult and as big of a deal as it was for me to admit I loved you.... this is so much bigger. It's literally my existence.”
“I am willing to bet your father is grateful for your existence, and that will not change on finding out he played a role in it.”
“I hope you and Nate are right.”
“Does that mean you've decided to go ahead with it?”
I nodded. “I have to. Or, I feel like I do. I just didn't know how to deal with it. As usual, you helped me see things in a different way. Thank you.” I leaned over and kissed his cheek.
“You are most welcome. We seem to trade that favor back and forth quite a bit.”
“I've noticed.”
“It's one of the many reasons I am grateful for your existence, too.”
This made me smirk, and move a little closer. “I bet I know what the top reason is.”
“Oh?”
“This.” I quickly moved to sit on him, straddled. I grabbed his face as his hands found their way to my hips.
“It's on the list.” I laughed as he smirked. We kissed, but before I could start to work my magic, he sat up and picked me up as he stood up. I keep forgetting how strong he actually is. “The rest of the list is better revealed elsewhere.”
Drake carried me to the bedroom, and I was glad I hadn't drank any more.
November 26
West Hollywood
Nate's house
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Thanks to SCW running Breakdown on Thursday's, I missed Thanksgiving with my family. That sort of thing never used to bother me before, but this time it did. Tommy had come with me to Breakdown and we had our own sort of celebration after the show. It wasn't a good show for me in some ways... like the fact that Raab stuck himself into my match, distracting me, and got me pinned. I'd been a fucking beast all year and now I've lost the World Championship and gotten beat by Kirsten Scott. Of all people. But, anyone watching knows it wasn't clean, she took advantage of Raab being a bitch. So I don't really care all that much, what I do care about is fucking Raab up to the point he keeps his geriatric ass out of my business. Other things were fun though. Asher Hayes didn't even show up, the coward stayed home. SCW was in his city and he had a camera crew over instead of showing his face in the ring. But no matter. Me and Tommy's good friend Perry, the backstage crew member I've traded favors for information with, was able to get me a very important piece of information – Asher's address. I hauled my fabulous ass over there, prepared to go to bat – literally – to let him know he couldn't hide from me and I was coming for my title. Except apparently Simon Lyman has a source too because he beat me there. I had rolled up just in time to watch him being led away in handcuffs. I didn't get to go after Asher, but seeing Simon get busted made up for it.
It was Sunday after Thanksgiving and I went to visit Nate and Carissa. Carla and Devin were happy to see me. We caught up a bit, then Nate asked Carla to take Devin into the den to watch a movie. I knew what was coming. I didn't mind talking about it with Carissa there, too. She knew everything. I may not talk about her much, but she and I have always been almost as close as me and Nate.
“I think you know what I want to ask you.”
“Maybe. But go ahead and ask me.”
“About Dad. When are we gonna do this?”
With a deep breath, I sat up a little straighter. “When do you want to?”
Nate's eyes widened. “You're up for it finally?”
“I think so, yeah.”
Carissa smiled and reached over to grab my hand for a few seconds. “I'm so glad you're ready for it. We really do think everything will turn out okay.”
I returned her smile. “I'm not as sure about that as you guys are. But I'm also sure that I don't want to wonder about it for the rest of my life. So... yeah. Let's do it.”
“Thank you. You have no idea how hard it is to go over there and act like nothing is different, not say anything.”
“No, thank you, for not just telling him anyway without me there.”
“As much as I want him to know the truth, it's not up to me to give it to him. That's all you.”
“Don't remind me. I have no idea how I'm going to even start.”
“Don't worry about that now. First, we should decide when we'll do it.”
“Next year?” I grinned, hopefully. Nate smirked, but shook his head. Carissa laughed.
“Nice try. I was thinking maybe Christmas. That gives us a month to work out what we'll say.”
I thought about it a few seconds, then nodded. “Okay. Christmas. What a gift, huh?”
Nate laughed. “I can always gift wrap the test results.”
“Don't you dare!” We all laughed. I was pretty sure he was joking. “How are going to get him away from Debbie?”Obviously we were going to talk to Ray alone first.
“That... I need to think about. But let me figure that out. You just work on what you want to say.”
“That's fair.”
I spent another hour there, told the kids I'd see them soon, and drove home. Before getting on the highway, I texted both Tommy and Drake, letting them know when Nate and I were going to drop the news. During the drive, I had to keep convincing myself that I was doing the right thing.
When I got home, I saw Drake replied, wishing me luck. Tommy had not. But when I got to the door, he greeted me there, pulling me into a tight hug.
“I'm proud of you.”
“Don't say that til after I do it.”
“You won't back out. You don't break your word.” Tommy let me go and gave me a smile. “It'll be fine. I know it.”
“Will you be there?”
“Where else would I be?”