Breakdown 10-21-21 #1
September 18
Santa Barbara
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The last few weeks had been... weird. A little over two weeks ago, Tommy and I had that conversation. The one about me taking back what I said, how I didn't want to do the exclusive thing anymore. I guess that's how I found myself driving to another man's door, thinking about how I got to this point. Yes, it was what I wanted, but it had all been so strange how it came about. I brought the topic up, and I was both pleased and shocked at how easily Tommy agreed... but then it ball became clear when he wanted to add a caveat to renegotiating our deal. He wanted to make no one off limits. Immediately two things went through my mind. One, it was a green light or clear path to Drake, that I thought would never be an option... assuming Drake was even interested. And two, there had to be someone Tommy had his eye on that he thought I wouldn't approve of, for him to ask me to agree to that. I tried to get him to tell me first but he wouldn't. So I agreed... what else could I do? I brought the subject up and it would potentially give me everything I wanted. Then Tommy told me who the woman was.... at the time I was surprised but looking back, I really shouldn't have been. I had a feeling for months that Bella, the student from the youth program, had a thing or crush or whatever you want to call it, on Tommy. I've never been shy or nervous around men I like, but I know what it looks like, and Bella had it hard. I guess I just never expected him to see her that way. She's younger than his daughter Charlotte! Not by much... and it's not like Tommy is fifty or anything, but... so yeah, I was a little surprised. I thought something had to have happened for her to have caught his attention in that way... and then I remembered a conversation in the Ante Up locker room, a few days before the Friday the Thirteenth event at the Starmaker, which is where Tommy said she made her interest clear. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but in retrospect, everything made perfect sense....
* * * * *
August 10
Santa Barbara
Ante Up Academy
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I had just wrapped up my striking class and headed to the locker room to shower. Bella Sinclair, the young woman who started training here as part of some youth program I don't fully understand, walked in right behind me. She had been the only woman in class, so it was just me and her in the locker room. She'd been coming to my class for a few months, along with others offered by the Academy, including one of Tommy's. She was a hard worker, mostly quiet... unless she was asking Tommy or me questions one on one. More than a few times after class we would talk in the locker room, she'd ask me about her form in class, or how to get more power behind her kicks, things like that. After I finished, I saw Bella was already done. We both were wrapped in towels. She gave me a small smile as I sat on the bench with a hair brush, to brush out and braid my hair before getting dressed. Bella was digging in her locker, I guess looking for her clothes, with her back to me. Every time I saw her in the locker room, I wondered to myself why she always wore the workout clothes she chose. Loose, baggy even, as if she was hiding her body on purpose. The girl is fucking fit, okay? She's shorter and thinner than me, but still curvy where it counts. Maybe she'd been harassed or assaulted, or just never felt comfortable in her own skin. Shame, really. As she pulled her clothes on – track pants and a loose Ante Up t-shirt – I wondered what kind of gear she would wear if she ever made it to being a contracted wrestler. Sweat pants and t-shirts look like shit on TV.
Bella turned towards me and smiled, then sat next to me on the bench.
“Hey Kandis... do you have a few minutes? I... was hoping to get your advice.”
“Sure, doll. What do you need to work on?”
The blonde's smile turned shy. “No... not about training. I mean personally.”
“Oh. Yeah, okay.” I was surprised that she saw me as a person she could ask personal advice from, but hey, I was willing.
“Well... I've just always noticed how you're so confident and comfortable with yourself. Like, who you are, how you look. Especially around guys. I wish I could be like that.”
“You can be! Have you looked in a mirror?”
“Um... yeah, I guess I'm not ugly. I work out enough, I know my body is fit. But... I don't know, I never really had confidence in myself. Rough childhood, you know?”
I laughed, kinda dry. “Oh, I know all about that. We should trade stories sometime. Preferably over strong drinks.”
“Yeah.... I've heard a little bit about yours. I mean... what you've said in class and on TV. I just thought that if anyone could help me, you could.”
“I can try. What do you need advice on? Like in general, or a specific guy?”
She gave me another shy grin. “A specific one. I think he might like me too, but I'm not sure how to let him know I'm interested, without making myself look like an idiot.”
“First of all, don't call yourself names like that. The more you say shit like that to yourself, the more you believe it. Instead, tell yourself you're smart, you're hot, any man would be lucky to have you.”
Bella laughed. “What if none of that is true?”
“It is true. Trust me.” She smiled again. “As for to get his attention? Be direct. Dress up nice, maybe show off what you're working with instead of hiding yourself all the time under clothes two sizes too big. Try something a size too small.” I gave her a wink. Half my shirts are bought that way. She giggled. “Talk to him, compliment him. Be direct. Men don't like having to guess if a woman wants him, they need to know.”
“So... guys aren't put off by a woman being forward?”
I laughed again. “Doll, no way. It's the exact opposite. There's exceptions to everything but for the most part, men are used to having to do the chasing. When they're the one being chased, most of them love that shit.”
Bella gave me an unsure look, crossing her arms. “I don't know... what if hes the type that doesn't like it? Or he just doesn't like me in that way?”
“You won't know unless you try, right? And either way, at least you'll know, rather than stressing over the possibility. Look, if you're nervous or unsure, do it at a bar or a club. Have a drink or three. If he doesn't bite, you can blame it on being drunk!” I put hands up, like 'ta-da' and smirk. Bella laughed.
“Well when you put it like that, it doesn't sound so scary. Like.. there's an out.”
“The scariest thing is not knowing if the guy wants you. If you wait for him to make a move, you might miss your shot. Don't wait. Take the shot yourself.”
Bella finally smiled. “You know, I think I can do it.”
“Of course you can! You're a hot, strong woman!”
“Do you really think I'm hot? Or are you just trying to make me feel good?”
“If I was drunk enough I'd probably hit it.” I smirked. Bella laughed, hard, like some people do when they're embarrassed. I started to apologize, but she spoke.
“I'll take your word for it then. Thanks for the advice.”
“Anytime, doll. Let me know how it goes.”
“Oh, you'll know.”
Bella got up, grabbed her bag, and walked out. I took that to mean the guy she had her eye on was another student.
HA.
* * * * *
September 18
Santa Barbara
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Traffic was really insane, sure it was a Saturday night but it didn't usually take me this long to get to where I was going. It just gave me more time to think, and sometimes that's a bad thing. Anyway, Bella had been right. It took a little while but I knew alright. Tommy said she'd taken her shot at the Friday the Thirteenth event. I hadn't even seen her at the Starmaker. Or maybe I did and just didn't recognize her, Tommy had said she was in a cute dress. It had been a little over a month ago, and I wondered if Tommy had taken advantage of our agreement yet. Not that it really mattered, a deal is a deal, I was just curious. Then again he'd have probably told me if he had. I hadn't yet... until tonight anyway. I let it sit since we had the conversation, to make sure it would stick. That no one would call it off, have second thoughts, pull back the no exceptions rule. There had also been some other nasty business to deal with, but I didn't want to think about that as I was driving to meet the man that had been on my mind since Tommy and I had that conversation. I wondered for a few seconds if I had waited til now so I didn't seem so eager to do it, but then I scoffed at myself. That was completely ridiculous, everyone knows I'm a sexual person. Maybe I wasn't sure how he would react... if he would even be interested in picking up where we left off... or was I afraid there was more to this than just sex?
Stop it.
That's also ridiculous. I love Tommy. He's the only man I've ever met that completely understood me. When I was a teenager there had been the boy Henry, he understood me then... til he ghosted me. He turned out to be literally non-existent, and that was something else I didn't really want to think about at the moment. Later in life, I thought Jackson understood me, until he started trying to get me to commit to being with only him. He hadn't actually understood me at all, he wouldn't accept that wasn't who I was, wasn't a thing I could do. I never thought I could have a real relationship, not until I met Tommy. Jackson didn't understand I needed freedom. A short memory flashed through my head, from about a month before I literally ran away from that motherfucker....
* * * * *
January 2017
West Hollywood
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I had just walked into Kix, a guy who's name I can't remember now with me, arm in arm. I had spent the night with him, and he decided to come with me to work out. When we walked in, Jackson was already there, and I saw him glaring at me as the guy and I walked towards the weights. The guy left for the locker room to change, I'd come in my workout gear. Once I was alone, Jackson strode quickly to my side.
“I really wish you wouldn't flaunt your fuckboys in front of me. It's like you're taunting me on purpose.”
“I'm not flaunting anything... you knew what you were getting into with me.”
“And I told you, I would change you. I wish you would wake up and see that you were meant for me.”
I sighed. “And I wish you would wake up and accept me as I am. Stop trying to change me, Jack.”
He reached out and rubbed my arm. “I love you as you are... that's why I want you to myself.”
I took a step back. “If that's the case, then you don't really love me.” I started to walk away, but Jackson grabbed my arm, tightly. I stopped and stared at him. “Let me go.”
“Never. You'll see it one day. Soon.”
I yanked my arm away from him and walked away. He didn't always pull the 'you're mine' card, most of the time he was good to me, ah-fucking-mazing in bed.... but these moments? They scared me.
* * * * *
September 18
Santa Barbara
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A month after that I found out the hard way I had every reason to be scared. But all of that was over now, had been for years. I got away, I moved so Jackson couldn't find me. He tried, he practically harassed Nate, but my brother refused to tell him anything. Time passed, I met Ryan Watson, I got into wrestling... and I forgot about Jackson. That is, until Nate mentioned him in passing a few weeks ago. I wish I could just forget again. I don't like how the memories make me feel – like just being who I am is wrong. I know better, what I was doing tonight was proof of that. Tommy accepted me as I am, he always had, and even decided to participate this time. I always wanted him to, I didn't want things to be uneven, I wanted him to have the same kind of fun and fulfillment I had. He was the exact opposite of Jackson in every way... other than the one blip when he'd got stupidly pissed at me and I let that anger put me back in a place I hadn't ever expected to go back to. Luckily it didn't last long, as we both knew it was wrong. It wasn't us. We were love and freedom, not anger and control.
I parked my car in front my destination. There was a light on in the window. As I stared at it, a shadow passed by – he must be waiting for me. I had texted earlier today, asking if I could come to see him. He'd agreed easily enough, he never turned me down when I asked to see him. I turned the engine off, cussing at myself for stalling. I knew I wanted this... I just didn't know if he did. Not after the last time we'd talked about the possibility. As I'd told Bella... it's better to know than not know, and there was only one way to find out.
I got out of the car, glancing at my backpack on the passenger seat. I'd brought a change of clothes, in anticipation of things going exactly the way I hoped. I walked up to the door and knocked. A few seconds later... Ashley opened the door.
“'Ey Kandis. Yer right on time.” He gave me a grin as he opened the door wider to let me in. I stepped in and he shut the door.
“Am I? Cause traffic was pretty satanic.”
“Anytime ya show up is the right time. Ah were surprised ya wanted t'come see me. Thought you'd be at the club.”
“Tommy said he didn't need me tonight, there's a new bartender.”
“That explains ya not being there, but not why yer here.”
“Right. Well...”
“Hang on. Ah haven't even offered ya a seat or a drink yet.”
“I'll take both. What are you pouring?”
“My specialty o'course.” Ashley grins. That means gin and tonic.
“Make it stiff.” I smirked back. Might as well get the double entendres out early. He just nodded with a grin and turned to the kitchen. I sat on the couch, the same one we'd previously fucked on that time I came here after learning the truth about Gail McCarthy – also known as my biological mother. That was another subject I didn't want to think about tonight. All I wanted to concentrate on was the reason I was here.
Ashley came back in with two glasses. He handed me one as he sat next to me. I had a sip.
“Mmmm. Just as good as ever. Thanks.”
“Welcome. Now. What's this all about, then?” He had a large sip of his drink, already trying to keep up with me.
“Okay. I'll get to the point. I talked to Tommy.”
He squinted a bit, not understanding me. “And? I talk to 'im every day. Pretty sure you do too.”
“No... I mean I talked to him. Like I told you I needed to.”
Ashley stopped mid-sip and slowly lowered his glass. “Oh... ya mean about... this?” He gestured between us.
“Yeah... but not just this. The whole deal we used to have. I asked for it to come back.”
“The deal? Like the whole... playin' around thing?”
“Exactly that. And honestly, it went a lot easier than I expected. Turns out, he wanted it, too. He even asked me to agree to no one being off limits, for either of us.”
Ashley smiled at that. “Fantastic news. Means my arse won't be in any traction.”
“Right....” I glanced down at my drink, I knew Tommy wasn't mad at me about the party, for more than one reason... but I wasn't sure how he felt about Ashley. No exceptions doesn't necessarily mean liking it.
“Wait... you told 'im about the party, dint you?”
“I had to. I couldn't go into this new deal without being honest.”
Ashley nodded, having more of his gin. “Fair enough. Were he pissed?”
“For a moment, but it doesn't matter now.”
“How doesn't it? You and his deal is one thing, me takin' a shot behind his back is sommat else.”
I really didn't feel like explaining what else had happened at that party, I didn't want to put myself in a bad mood when I was trying to get fucked. “Just trust me, okay? It doesn't matter. He has his... distraction, and I have mine. If you're still interested, that is.”
Ashley set his glass down, and leaned towards me, sliding his hand behind my neck to pull me closer, then kissed me. A good ten seconds later, he pulled back. “What d'you think?”
“I was hoping you'd say that.” I grinned as I set my glass down next to his, then grabbed his face with both hands, closing in for another deep kiss. I started to position myself over his lap, but he stopped me.
“Nah... not here. Ah'd rather take ya t'bed proper.”
We got up, grabbed our drinks, and Ashley led me to his bedroom. As he peeled my clothes off, I was glad I'd brought the backpack I left in the car.