Breakdown 5-18-23 #1
April 29
Santa Barbara
Valentine home
--------------------
Cole I-didn't-get-his-last-name from the Starmaker had been an.... exciting experience. Almost right away I could tell he liked things rough, and unholy fuck did he! He asked me for my number, but I refused. I told him to look me up on Twitter and DM me if he was ever in town again. I had very much enjoyed his carnal talents. It was almost enough to satisfy the deep emptiness I had been trying to fill by my frequent one night stands lately. Almost. The warm soreness between my legs and the various minor bruises on my hips and inner thighs had only put a temporary stop to the....whatever it was, that had been driving me to act like this.
I parked my SUV in the driveway at home Saturday morning, and walked inside. Most people would call what I was doing – getting home in the morning wearing the same clothes from the night before – a 'walk of shame.' But shame doesn't exist for me, so I just walked in like any other time I'd get home from anywhere. Tommy had said the night before that he thinks there's a conversation we needed to have. Maybe he's right, but that didn't mean I was in the mood to do it right at that moment.
That apparently didn't matter to Tommy. I entered the kitchen and he was seated at the island. I could smell coffee already made. I stopped mid-step, I wasn't expecting him to be up already, it was just past nine.
“Oh, hey... you're up.”
“Oh hey.... you're home.”
“Of course I'm home. You didn't think I was gonna stay out all day, too, did you?”
“Not really, no. I just thought you might have come back sooner.”
I shrugged. “Woke up later than I expected. So I just got dressed and came back. I should shower, so I'll-”
“That can wait. Have a seat.”
I gave him a slight frown. “You don't want me to shower first?” I mean, I still had some other guy all over me.
“I don't want you to keep making excuses to not talk. If I let you go upstairs, this will never happen. And it needs to happen. So. Sit.”
Tommy pointed to the chair across from him. It had been a long time since he used that tone with me, the one that leaves no room for negotiation. I was being told. So, I sat.
“Alright. I'm gonna talk for a bit and you just listen. Okay?” I nodded. “Thank you. I'm gonna start with the fact that I know things aren't great for you, with what's going on with Gail.” I almost opened my mouth to say 'oh you mean how she's dying' but remembered I promised to listen.
“So this isn't about that. At least, I'm pretty sure it's not. But, ever since you got that news, you've been.... not yourself. Well, that's not right. You've been you, but... amplified. With the leaving with a different guy every weekend, and fuck only knows what you're doing on the road.” He had a point there, I had given a few fans the VIP treatment. “Even when we first met and hadn't come even close to being an actual couple, you weren't this all over the place. I know our deal is we don't ask questions, and I'm not, not about specific people. Its just pretty clear you're acting out for some reason, and I want to know what it is.” I didn't say anything right away, so Tommy waved his hand at me, prompting me to answer. “I'm done, your turn.”
I folded my arms on the counter. “I don't know.”
“Don't lie to me. Talk to me. We're supposed to be able to work through anything, we just have to be honest.”
“Okay. Then what do you think my problem is?” There was no sarcasm in my tone, I was genuinely asking.
“I think you're stalling, but I'll humor you. Either you're trying to distract yourself from the impending loss of your mother, or... you're searching for something because what you have isn't enough.”
By the look on his face, I could tell he thought it was the latter. “If you're thinking that you're what's not enough, you're wrong.”
“Oh, so you do know what's making you do this?”
Fuck. I fell into that. I sighed. “Alright, fine. It's just... things were stable, you know? I have Debbie, I have Gail, your mom is great. Coral and I actually act like sisters now. On the sexual side, obviously I have you, and there's absolutely nothing wrong there, I want to make that clear.” Tommy nodded, still listening. I did not want to say the rest out loud, but I knew Tommy wasn't going to let it go. So, rip off the band-aid, right? “For a while I also had Ashley and Drake... until we got married. Drake basically bailed, which I knew was going to happen. Ashley never truly seemed comfortable with it, and now that he's seeing that girl, he's strictly with her. So I have.... I don't want to say nothing, cause you're here. But I don't have....” I sighed again. I didn't know how to word it without sounding offensive to the man I married. Tommy just waited for me to finish.
“I don't have everything that I want. Or rather, everyone.”
There. I had said it. I knew he'd know exactly what I meant. For a long time, my association with Drake had been a point of contention between us. It hadn't been for a while, but I was still usually hesitant to bring up anything about him. Although it was a long time ago and we've talked things out and cleared things up since, I have never forgotten the morning I got back to our hotel room and casually mentioned I'd spent the night with Drake, and Tommy completely lost his shit on me. The following few weeks were... weird, to say the least. But we worked it out, and nothing like that ever happened again. Tommy gave me a slow nod.
“You mean Drake.” I just nodded. “I guess he's still adamant about not interfering in a marriage.”
“Yeah, there's that. Which I knew was gonna happen. But... I haven't heard from him at all since I texted him after the wedding.” I shook my head, uncomfortable with this whole thing. “Look, I'm sorry, I never wanted this to come up. I-”
“What, Drake? Why?” I gave him a 'you know better' look. “Don't give me that look, all of that was buried a long time ago. We worked together with Minerva, remember? I don't have any problems with the guy anymore. Haven't for a long time.”
“I know that, but it's still... I can't explain it.” A small voice deep in the back of my head knew how to explain it, but I'd been telling that voice to shut up for over a year. Maybe longer.
“I think I get it.” Fuck, I hoped not. “So essentially what you're doing then, is trying to fill a space.” I was in too fucked of a mood to go for the obvious joke. “And each random dude doesn't do it, so you keep trying. Am I close?”
“Pretty close to center, yeah.”
“At the risk of crossing our 'no questions or comments' line, don't you see how dangerous this is?”
I looked up and glared. “Of course I do! It's not even fun. Its.... pathological. I've noticed what you're doing since I've been doing my thing. Hanging out with Jada. Just Jada.”
“Does that bother you?”
“No! Not at all. I... wish I had just one or two others. I did. But I don't anymore. And I just...” I shook my head, not finishing the thought.
“I don't know what to say. Maybe getting married was a bad idea.”
I looked back up, frowning. “Don't say that. You gave me everything I could ask for, you gave me your name. That's... the best thing anyone has ever given me.” I'd hated my last name all of my life, until the day I got it changed to Valentine.
“I don't regret that part. But it did ruin a few things for you, apparently.”
“I knew it would, though. Drake told me so. I just thought I could change his mind. I mean, I've done that before.”
“But since you don't speak, you don't have the chance. Right?”
“Yes, exactly. And look, it's not even just that I'm not fucking him anymore, but we're not even talking. Before anything else he was a good friend. I don't even have that. He doesn't even know about Gail.”
“So... why haven't you just called him?”
I shrugged. “I knew he was upset, so I wanted to give him some space. I thought he'd eventually just text or something, check in. I told myself I'd wait until he did, until he was comfortable contacting me. He hasn't yet.”
“What if he's just been waiting on you and you're both being stubborn idiots?”
I was confused. “Why would he be waiting for me, he's the one who was upset.”
Tommy shrugged. “Maybe he thinks you're upset that he drew a line.”
“Well I wasn't happy about it. But I respect it. He agreed to remain friends, but....”
“So call him. Text, whatever.”
Tommy said it as if it was the easiest, most normal thing in the world. And maybe it was. Maybe I was being stubborn. Or afraid.
“You say that like it's easy.”
“It is. Pull out your phone and click a few things. If he doesn't answer, then you know. If he does... then you know.”
I just looked at Tommy for a few seconds... then broke down into laughter. He looked at me like I was crazy. Maybe I was. “This is so fucking insane, this conversation we're having. You're literally telling me to contact the man you used to think was a threat to you.”
“No, I'm suggesting to my wife that she contact a friend of hers that she hasn't spoken to in a while, and that bothers her.”
“Hm. Well, when you put it that way it doesn't sound so crazy.”
“It's far less crazy than you looking for something satisfying in bed with a dozen different men you don't know, when it's perfectly clear that only one thing is going to fill that need.”
I stared at him. This motherfucker. “You knew. Before I said anything.”
“I had a pretty good idea. I thought it was best if you said it out loud yourself, though, rather than me sounding accusatory.”
If only he knew what I wasn't saying. Could never say. “Maybe.”
“So, you'll contact him?”
I shrugged, exhaling slow. “I don't know...”
“Listen baby, you have to do something, before what you have been doing ends up getting you hurt. There are a lot of fucked up men in this world, that's something I know I don't have to tell you.”
“Yeah. I know.” I knew I was extremely lucky that I hadn't come across one of the fucksticks yet.
“I know I don't really have a right to ask this, but I'm asking anyway. Please dial it back.”
“You do have the right. You're not mad about any particular guy, you're just concerned about me. That's always allowed.”
“So you'll slow down?”
I nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I will.” Tommy gave me a smile.
“Thank you.”
“And.... I think I'll send a text.” Just as soon as I figured out what the fuck to say.
“I really think you should.”
I nodded, and suddenly had the urge to ask something I'd been afraid of, this whole time when I'd catch Tommy's disapproving glance when I left the club with someone.
“So... are we okay?”
“What? Of course we are, why wouldn't we be?”
“It just seemed like you were angry with me. When I left with people.”
Tommy shook his head, slow. “No. Just worried about you. It wasn't you. I kept thinking you'd get whatever it was out of your system, but it just got worse. So I had to say something. But yes... we are perfect.”
I smiled, relieved. I'd felt everything and everyone I cared about slipping away for months, I couldn't take it if I was losing this too. “Okay. I really want to get up and hug you right now, but I should probably go shower Number Seventeen off me first.”
“Seventeen?”
“I counted.”
“Fuck...” Tommy laughed. I guess it was kinda funny, here on the other side of the conversation. I snickered a little. “Alright, go on. I'll join you in about ten minutes.”
I ran upstairs, stripped, threw my clothes into the laundry basket, and stepped under water as hot as I could stand it. I'd turn it a little cooler once Tommy joined me.
May 1
Santa Barbara
Ante Up Academy
-----------------------
Monday morning I arrived at Ante Up ready to lead my striking class. I hadn't sent that text yet, mainly because the weekend was occupied by me and Tommy finding new and creative places around the house to give each other our full attention. In other words, a lot of fucking. I knew I needed to get around to sending that text though, so after I did my warm up stretches, I sat on the bench near my corner of the building where my class was held, and stared at Drake's name and the empty text box. What was I going to say? I typed a stream of consciousness into the box.
“Hi, sorry I haven't contacted you in almost a year. It's more than a little awkward you know? You were upset when I got married, I was upset when you cut me off, and here we are still not talking, for no good reason other than stubbornness, or maybe pride. Well fuck that, I'm not too proud to admit I miss you. I guess I was just checking in to see if you're doing okay, and see if maybe you missed me too.”
I stared at the wall of text. Shook my head. Highlighted it, backspace. That was too fucking much. Maybe the truth, but I couldn't hit send on that. I typed quickly again, and this time I did hit send.
{“Hey.”}
Yeah, so I'm a coward. Sue me.
I set my phone down and started pulling out the kick pads, not expecting a reply at all, much less any time soon. A minute or so later though, my phone vibrated on the bench. It had to be someone else. I grabbed it. It was not someone else.
{“Hello. Was not expecting to hear from you.”}
I sat. Now what? A bit of truth.
{“Yeah. I just haven't heard from you in a while and I thought I'd say hi. How are you?”}
{“I'm well. From what I've heard about SCW it seems so are you.”}
{“Didn't know you kept up.”}
{“Just every now and then. It's good to hear from you. Although I am surprised.”}
{“Why?”}
{“I assumed you were upset with me.”}
I'll be damed. Tommy was right.
{“Not really. I thought you were with me though.”}
{“Not at all. You did what felt right for yoursef. But, if you thought I was upset with you, why did you contact me? I don't believe it was just to say hello.”}
I stared at the reply for a solid minute. There were so many ways I could answer that. I chose to go with the easiest, and that's saying something.
{“I actually have some news to share. It's not good. I told you about my bio mom Gail. She has cancer. She's refusing treatment. It won't be long. I just thought you should know.”}
{“My condolences. Is there anything I can do?”}
{“Just be the same friend you've always been?”}
{“I can do that.”}
I smiled. It was a start. I saw movement out of the corner of my eye and looked up. Some of my students were coming in.
{“I'm starting class soon, can we speak later?”}
{“Of course. Just call.”}
Still smiling, I tucked my phone into my bag. That hadn't been nearly as hard as my head tried to tell me it would be. The rest of my students trickled in. It was time to work.
* * * * * * * * * *
After class, I showered, then started getting my things together to leave. I had another class, but not until the afternoon. I was meeting Coral for lunch. When I picked up my bag, I felt a short vibration, like when you have an unchecked notification. I fished my phone out and looked. I had a DM on Twitter. Handle @ColeAsIce. Ha.
{“Hey there hotness. Got a few minutes?”}
{“Now I do. Miss me already?”}
{“Nah. I don't have to. I have this.”}
A few seconds later, a video came through. The thumbnail was blurry, so I couldn't tell what it was. I made sure my volume was down, just in case it was loud, and tapped play. I nearly dropped my phone two seconds in. It was me. And Cole, in his hotel room. He had me bent almost in half, my legs on his shoulders in the air as he pounded me like a jackhammer. There was no sound coming from my phone but I knew exactly what I would hear if there was. Me. Screaming. The clip was only ten seconds long, but it was enough. The POV of the video. I thought back and immediately understood. The bottle of liquor must have had a hidden camera. No wonder he wanted me sideways on the bed! THAT MOTHERFUCKER.
{“What the fuck?!?!”}
{“I have the whole thing. All three hours worth. We should talk.”}
{“The fuck we should! Why the fuck would you do that, don't you know that's illegal?!”}
At least I thought it was. I'd have to check.
{“Not gonna matter if you just listen to me and do what I ask.”}
{“What do you want?”}
{“200K.”}
I sent a laughing emoji.
{“Not a joke. I've spoken to a few sites. They're willing to pay me for this video, and I'll sell it. Unless you pay me first. Then I delete it.”}
{“You are an absolute fucknugget.”}
So much for not coming across anyone creepy.
{“Maybe, but I'm a smart one, and a rich one. Please don't assume you're the first.”}
{“And if I say no?”}
{“Then the dirt sheet with the highest offer gets the goods..”}
{“That's your plan? Call dirt sheets?”}
{“Do you really think I'm gonna tell you the whole plan? You have til Friday. Then I make calls..”}
{“You don't have to wait that long. No.”}
{“No? We'll see about that.”}
I just shook my head and didn't bother to reply. What the fuck was he gonna do to change my mind? As if I give a shit if the internet sees me fucking? Everyone knows who I am, how I act. I don't care who sees what, I was just angry at the fucking audacity of this man to record everything in the first place. Then contact me in DM where it's on record he tried to blackmail me. What a dumbass. He wouldn't dare sell that video. I'd sue him for every penny he has.
I didn't have time for this shit. I shoved my phone into my pocket and left. Coral was waiting for me already. I had lots of shit to discuss with my sister.